Breaking the argumentative reflex

salezman12 · 2017-04-22T16:00:09+00:00

I had a similar issue up until about 2 or 3 years ago. I still have the issue, but I react differently to it today than I did then. I can stand for someone to give inaccurate information as truth. Even on small things that don't really matter. I was constantly correcting people and I found myself using the phrase "well, actually..." about 100 times more than anybody else. This is not good since I am in sales. Although I was already pretty decent at sales, because I am charismatic and people like me, getting over my need to constantly argue a point has helped tremendously. So how did I do it?

Well, I worked with a guy who had been in the business about 15 years longer than me. I pulled that shit one day and he just stopped me, and looked at me and said "Salezman12, let me ask you something, would you rather be rich, or right?" It took me aback pretty quickly. I honestly didn't know how to answer. Of course I wanted to be rich. But damnit do I ever hate not being able to prove that I'm right. I had that internal struggle going on.

Fast forward a few weeks. I learned to indoctrinate myself with the idea of "Would you rather be rich or right?" Every time I opened my mouth to argue a point, I heard those words coming out of this mans mouth. I didn't just apply it to situations where I would tell customers they were wrong and become confrontational, but I applied it to every aspect of my life. I learned that choosing my battles based on potential loss vs potential gain would benefit me 100% of the time.

It's not about "manning up" and "just doing it". It's about making the conscious decision to bite your tongue for your own good. If you stand to gain more by being right, then argue. If you stand to gain more by becoming rich(and in this sense I mean rich with whatever it is you're after, money, pussy, power, etc.) then SHUT THE FUCK UP.

machimus · 2017-04-22T15:57:49+00:00

Maybe think about how insecure it makes you look.

qtpW · 2017-04-22T16:24:55+00:00

good on you to notice this

boora32 · 2017-04-22T16:52:26+00:00

I don't know how to stop this reflex as I never had it. I grew up silent as a tomb, never spoke with anyone so it came naturally to me not to have arguments.

There are some rare times where I really feel like arguing. When that happens, I normally do one of these: lock myself in the bathroom and smoke, go for a walk or (if it's an online argument) I write what I have to say and delete it before sending, then write again and delete, and again and again until the need to having an argument is gone.

It might help to have the notion that having discussions will only hinder your relationships.

W_O_M_B_A_T · 2017-04-22T17:55:16+00:00

You think it matters what you say. You assume that you might be "wrong" and as a result, might get called out for it.(as if that really matters.) You see yourself as somehow being a victim of others' presumed desire to persecute you. In reality, 99% of the persecution is that which you're doing to yourself through self-rationalization. These feeling-belief systems ("schemas") are a big part of what hampers your frame.

Part of this is being willing to accept the vulnerability and cognitive dissonance, of knowing wrong/right is meaningless. It's a game other childish people play to comfort themselves. "I know I'm right, but really I'm terrified I could be wrong."

Your overall frame and mentality > the way in which you say something > the content and of anything you say in particular.

You're focused on content, when, the value of words is low. This is like you're desperately fighting over pebbles, while paying no attention to the gold nuggets a few inches below the surface. There's no need to fight over pebbles. You've got plenty of gold within your reach.

Focus on frame. Frame is everything. You're failing because you're not taking control of your frame, and going to the head space of amused mastery.

So I would say, think about the idea of getting what you want by being dead wrong. People with power often do.

Title	Breaking the argumentative reflex
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	3
Comments	9
Date	April 22, 2017 3:21 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/66whin/breaking_the_argumentative_reflex/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/breaking-the-argumentative-reflex.215769 https://theredarchive.com/post/215769

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