at 4pm i was feeling like shit, worthless. i was thinking this was true essentially: "no one likes me, no one loves me, no one cares about me".

at 5pm i talked to people in work, prentended i am okay. my eyes were looking sad, face was down literally. i prentended, then their reactions gave me more energy. then i made some jokes for real. pretending disappeared. then i talked to more people. i was looking at people without problems. i recently hasnt been doing that.

at 12pm now i feel slightly happy. muscles just below my eyes are a bit tight. when i'm sad, they are relaxed.

but i also see that this is essentially true: "no one likes me, no one loves me, no one cares about me"

no one cares about me. no one likes me. true. i have no friends. no lovers. my parents care about me but they have to biologically. i didnt do shit to make them care about me. i just gotta exist for them to care about me.

so no one cares about me and no one loves me (for now, unless i make a real friend and/or a girlfriend or a plate? maybe idk if they'd care). i've been friendless for a decade or so. idk. i think i never had friends (assuming friendship means what you see in the movies and tv shows). i am also alone in this universe and life till i die, even if i marry or have a kid.

off-point: meanwhile i can make some real friends who care about me, who call me when i go silent, who insist on inviting me to doing stuff. meanwhile i can make girlfriends or wife or kid. then die. what i do with my work is just work. i dont care about helping people. i work for me. so its not something that makes me less alone in universe, life, earth or society. i make $50mm, $1bn, $1mm or $100k or whatever. its just work, chase, my creations, my tribe that i created, or a baby i created, or whatever. i don't believe in leaving legacy. its just stupid. no one gives a fuck about steve jobs. even if they do, steve jobs is dead. he is nothing now. or immanuel kant. leaving legacy doesnt benefit you. its just an illusion of your ego.

people can laugh at my jokes and treat me positively but they don't like me and they don't care about me.

i am alone, i have no friends, no one cares about me and no one likes me. even if thats the case, talking to people and making them laugh makes me feel good. why is this?