I'm a dude who isn't fully "redpilled" I suppose. Most of the reason I'm here is because of things I've seen happen to my father and other men in my life when I was a kid. Hell, my first time was with a girl (her first time as well) who was "waiting for the right time" with her boyfriend (not me). I've seen what the guys here are talking about up close How appearance and attitude affects the way you're looked at, the brutality of this new divorce-rape culture, and the effectiveness of dominance in a man. I've been reading TRP since I was 16 (I'm 19 now), and know the sidebar pretty well.

However, here I am, in a relationship, and I have been for a year and a half now. Honestly, it's a good relationship. I totally hear you guys with "AWALT" and "she's not yours, it's just your turn", but I'm left contemplating whether those mantras are simply pragmatic truths that keep us safe, or stone cold fact. The girl I'm with has the appearance of total loyalty, she's feminine, attractive, things are perfectly good sexually (now-a-days I'm the one struggling to keep up), and I'm respected. It seems perfect. She seems like the mythical unicorn that I've been warned not to believe in. There are some "red flags" like small tattoos and father issues (he's a crack head), but everything else seems totally fine.

In the case of my relationship, I feel that TRP philosophy towards women describes me more than it describes my girlfriend. This girl is great, she does so much for me, she's very attractive, very committed, but here I am constantly thinking about fucking other girls, itching to find my "best" options by hopping on the poon carousel. I'm here working on myself, but it's not to be better for her, but to be more attractive to others in the future. I feel like I have a difficulty being honest about this (though I have had some hard real conversations about this stuff), and that at the end of the day, I'll be the one to break her heart after taking so much from her. We have so much, and I'm dwelling on throwing that away because I want to explore. She wants romance and sex, and I end up the gatekeeper to it, and I can't imagine it's good for her. I feel like the archetypal shitty woman you guys are all scared of.

I don't really know what my question here is. I think I just want out, but there's no good reason for it. I also don't know if I want to finish swallowing the red pill, for fear that it's a functional ideology, but maybe not truth. I feel twisted up. I want guidance. Maybe you guys can offer that.