My husband and I have been married for two years after dating for one. We met while I was living abroad in his country, where he had a job that was high-earning but stressful and dissatisfying; he worked long hours and partied so much that it was starting to have clear effects on his health and personal relationships.

I met him sort of by chance, and he's not really my type, but a few dates won me over -- he was creative, clever, funny, loyal, interested in culture/arts/food, well traveled, etc. Eventually we moved in together in his country -- during that time, I worked remotely from home (and played the role of housewife -- ironing shirts, handling all the cleaning, cooking dinner every night, unless we went out) and he powered through work. We had sex almost every night, and it was amazing -- just the kind of hard-pounding alpha shit mixed with a little fun, kinky exploration that I love. We had sex in every room of his apartment, most nights and many mornings before he left for the office.

I loved it -- it was just the relationship dynamic I was looking for; I'm pretty gender-traditional in my relationships by inclination and sexual preference, so I'm 100% down to throw on an apron and be waiting for my hubby when he gets home, and I love being dominated sexually (not in a bdsm-sceney way, just in a very alpha way). But I'm also flexible, and happy to adjust to whatever will ultimately be the best fit for me and the person I love.

Once we decided to get married, we had to pick a country, and he said he'd prefer to move to mine. He was burned out on his job/industry, uninspired by his party lifestyle, and just wanting to overall take a risk and make a positive change. I tell him he'll probably be playing househusband for a few years at least, but that I'd be happy to support him through that time as long as he genuinely plays the role -- cooking, cleaning, taking care of things in the house. He agrees, and swears he'll love it, it'll be great, he's gonna go back to school, etc. etc.

So move we did, and thus the challenge begins.

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Basically, he hasn't coped well with the dynamic shift. I'm now the high-earning partner (I actually make more than he did at his peak), he's now the stay-at-home, and he's not only refusing to uphold his end of the bargain, he actively hates it. But he's also doing nothing to change it.

When he came to this country, we moved into the house I owned; eventually, he decided that he didn't like that house so my parents gave us the money to buy a second one. He said the second one was too isolated, so I encouraged him to get his driver's license so he could get around, and my grandmother gave us a second car. He eventually decided he didn't like the second house, either. Fine -- I bought him a third house (brand new build townhome in a ritzy suburb that he liked, with all external maintenance handled by an HOA so he never even has to cut grass). He said he didn't like his car. I helped him sell it and buy an SUV. He's still not happy. I can only do so much.

Through all this, he has done the absolute bare minimum in terms of household care -- loads the dishwasher, sometimes switches out laundry if I point out that it's wet, will occasionally vacuum if I ask. He has never cleaned the bathrooms, or dusted, etc. etc.

I keep making more and more money in an effort to keep him happy, but the trade-off in doing so is that my work now requires a lot more travel from me -- so of course he complains that I'm never here and don't make him feel loved.

I feel like I can't win.

We now have sex once per month, and it's generally weaksauce. No oral, little kissing, no toys, no spontaneity. Only between the hours of 6 - 8 pm and only in our bedroom. If I try to initiate sex, he gets angry and tells me that he just likes to be in control of initiation (but try I have, until my ego straight up can't take the rejection anymore). If I try to talk to him, he says that nothing's wrong. I've tried taking him on romantic weekends, flown him to Miami for a beach getaway, taken him to one of the top 10 best hotels in the world for a luxury retreat...nothing. Nada. He pouts at me and says I'm pressuring him if I even bring it up.

I tried to encourage him to get a small, part-time job out of the house for his own mental well-being. He says he will but never applied for anything, once. I asked him to take over managing our finances so he'd feel more of a sense of control over his environment. He looked at the budget spreadsheet twice and forgot about it, to the point that our water got cut off because he didn't pay the bill.

I paid for us both to get health checks -- his testosterone is fine, but his cholesterol is not. This revelation appears to have depressed him further. To be clear, both of us are slightly overweight (BMIs in the high 20s) but we are not obese/shapeless/unattractive and I still get plenty of attention elsewhere when I go out without him (as I'm sure he does when he goes out without me!).

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He says this isn't the life he wanted -- that he's bored and lonely and misses having his own money to spend (OK...so get a job?) and that he wants nice cars and to have kids (hahahhaahhahahahahahahaha we'd have to actually have sex first) and wants me to just be happy and not stressed with work, and that it makes him feel unloved when I'm away so much.

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Honestly, I think he feels emasculated and disempowered and he's lashing out. But like, he neutered himself?? I didn't ask to be the sole provider/breadwinner AND household manager??

I get it: the loss of perceived power and the dynamic shift is hard on men. I get it -- for many men in the west, their sense of identity is tied to money/career/power/provider role. But he asked for this! He said this was the life he wanted! And if it's not -- how is the solution to cry to me about it, without taking any steps toward change?

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So what can I do to help him come to terms with this, or at least get his shit together enough to change it?

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So -- TRP, I am here because I think this is a gender-dynamic issue that you might have some insight into -- what can I do? What would you want your supportive, helpful wife to do? I feel like there's a trap here, because the more I do, the more emasculated he seems to feel. But if I do nothing, then he just mopes into nothingness and complains until I buy him another car/house/playstation.

What can I do?? We did premarital counseling, marriage counseling, I've done individual counseling, I've encouraged him to do individual -- I've said I'll pay for it all! I've gotten him tutors to make school easier, tried to set up reward systems like buying him new game consoles or whatever when he's been really supportive, pointed him toward life coaches, etc. etc. -- what the hell else can I do?

I can't stay in this marriage where he doesn't pay bills, doesn't clean the bathroom, is always throwing a tantrum over some shit, and now doesn't even f*** me.

I keep trying to change things to make him happy, but the main thing that seems to have changed is in his head -- he used to be this confident, funny, leader-y type of guy and now he's just constantly anxious/irritable/insecure.

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He just seems so miserable now, but I feel like I've done everything I can to make life easy for him and try to fix it. I hate it because I feel more like his mother than his partner, and I'm really, really struggling emotionally; I've had some depression and anxiety myself, and pretty intense insomnia as a result of this. We've stopped sleeping in the same bed (I stay until he falls asleep, then sneak out to diddle myself in one of the other bedrooms and sleep there). It's not great.

Help.

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tl;dr: Husband asked to be a househusband -- now he hates it and resents me and it's killed our sex life.