Well I'll try to summarize my whole life, which is hard, sorry for my English as i'ts not my main language.

Basically now I'm a 30 yo from Spain (Europe), I've been a videogame/porn addict from 17 to 24/25. I regret a lot but I can't go back so I must move forward, there's no other way. Low self-esteem, lack of confidence, medical problems (my penis didn't worked for sex because of peyronie and EXTREME phimosis), 0 laid, 0 motivation, nihilist, I gave 0 shits about anything. I was even proud about only focusing on games and porn, so basically I totally wasted my youth, the "best years of your life". I've tortured myself enough during this years and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, now I'm paying the debts, taking responsibility and improving every day.

The first time I "declared" to a girl I had 24 years, almost 25. I was nervous as fuck, my heart was about to explode, but I sent that message to a girl that I met online gaming and thought she was into me. Of course, I obtained a huge "you're a nice guy but i don't want to meet/kiss/fuck you". I entered the anger zone, started to hate her, starting to became the biggest misogynist, but this wrath/anger gave me focus and a huge motivation to start lifting. I started lifting at home, I did pushups and biceps curls as basics (fuck my life), along with other exercises. Went from 1.80m 56kg (yeah welcome to Auswitch), to 62kg (still thin but it became much easier to get girls). Anger and hate were my motivations.

The day I hit 25 I met someone (at that time i was virgin and kissed only 4 girls, all of them in pubs/discos), and I felt in love with a not-so-fit (1.54-54kg with very huge breasts), but very beautiful girl. She was 22 and let's be honest not so intelligent.

Ok so then I stopped totally lifting because my motivation went away (BAD KITTY). Stuck in 61-62kg. The first 3 months with this girl were total teenager love (as I've never lived something similar), but then I started to discover her past... She had like 4-5 "serious" relationships, kissed with at least 30 guys, slept with 6-7 (probably more). I started to feel anger and wrath again, and then I saw a picture of a guy with his hard penis on his pants on her phone. I was about to leave her (she was crying and begging that she did nothing to "provoke" him, it was a guy who was into her since long time ago), but then I remembered I was still a virgin (I literally couldn't fuck with my penis) and I had a mission: endure as long as it takes, pick some experience and then dump her.

After some months I finally get my surgery (you've to wait months in public healthcare system), got recovered, and 2 days before hitting 26 I lost my virginity with this girl who was totally into me (I was not in love anymore since the day I saw the picture on her phone, I NEVER forgave her but I faked it). I needed then some sexual experience and was still faking love. After months I didn't had the courage to dump her so I decided to let it die by starvation. Week after week, month after month we spent 3 years and a half together (since I was 25), and we broke up when I was 28. Again, lost time, could've dump her couple of months after losing virginity.

The major change came then. I was 28, I started lifting again with anger and hate as my main motivation drivers (anger zoned myself again), had a lot of experiences, started lifting SERIOUSLY in the gym (from 61 to 70kg, I still need to progress more) in this 2 years I've kissed with 35 girls but slept with only 5 (must say that I spent 13 months without sex, bad luck plus bad game), had dozens of dates with a lot of girls. I had total lack of social skills when I was 25, it was very difficult for me to progress, but I did.

1 month after hitting 30 I met a 23 yo girl, red hair blue eyes, P E R F E C T ass, but I totally felt in love with her personality, which was something that it never happened to me after meeting a lot of girls. We used to joke and talk every day, we had few dates because she had a night-shift work and I was working from 9 to 17, but those stupid dates were amazing. I've kissed and hanged around with other girls but this time it was different, we went hand in hand, stare to each eyes for minutes without talking, passionate kissing, exactly same sense of humor, we used to talk each other faking Russian accents sometimes and doing stupid stuff, I felt it was so different from other girls I banged/met/kissed/slept... And then, when we were so close to have sex (this time I was extremely patient because I was into her like a little kid, something that I thought it will NEVER EVER happen to me... as I acted like an asshole with other girls), she started to act weird (i think u call this hamstering or something). Totally lost my frame, I was completely out of control and full of anxiety. I couldn't stop thinking about her (LITERALLY)

She told me, that she had serious relationships from 14 to 23, she dumped her 6years boyfriend 2 months ago (this means that she dumped him 1 month after meeting me), and she was starting to "discover herself" (a.k.a. I want to experience as much penis as possible). She told me that i was a very funny geniune nice guy, and she was constant saying that she was very sorry that she met me "at the wrong time". I begged and cried like a little bitch for her love and attention (which was something I NEVER EVER did, in my entire life, and thought i was NEVER going to do it), and after agonic days waiting for a serious response (I had to tell her something like you can't decide because you don't know yourself but I do know myself so i'ts better to say goodbye) I had again a huge "we can be friends and meet occasionally but without kissing/sex/whatever". I wrote her then something like "You can't even imagine how I appreciate your answer" (it was true, because she was not saying YES or NOT, she was playing around). 2 weeks later (25th June 2018), she wrote me again something like "Ey, how you doing?", I spent 3 days without responding, and then I blocked her from facebook, she still have my telephone number but i deleted her. If she want to contact with me she can't do it through FB so I think it's pretty much done unless she looks for my number again.

This last experience was so god damn fucking painful. As I liked other girls I've never felt like this before, even with my 3 years and a half relationship, and knowing that she does NOT GIVE A FUCK about you it's harsh.

So then after all I'm here, I've left and entered the anger zone a couple of times but I can't totally get out. Eventually, and with enough time, I will forget this girl for sure. I still think about her to be honest, but I want to stop the hate wheel, which is so less intense than in my previous experiences. I've been using this hate to move forward.

Finally, my questions:

-How can I stop being a nice guy with some girls and an asshole with others?? I wish I could be a mixture of both with every single chick

-How can I totally forget my bad experiences and move forward without hate as my main driver??

-How can I forget this last girl and move forward?? I can't stop comparing her with any other girl, thinking about how beautiful she was, or funny, or whatever. Even though I blocked her from Facebook I've like a little desire in my mind in which she looks for my number and try to contact me... How stupid, right?

Greetings,