I am not sure everything is fine with me up there. My childhood was ok, my teenage years were a catastrophe, and my early to mid twenties were escaping from my teenage years. At 27 I am in a very chaotic situation right now, when I try to pick up something and fix it I feel like 3 more things break down.

I was never stupid and always thought I was just lazy but now I'm thinking I may have some form of ADHD or whatever. I am finding it extremely difficult to concentrate on any work. At my executive job (before I got laid off recently) I couldn't really keep concentrated for more than 40 minutes straight, but mostly it was like 15-20 minutes of work and then I just couldn't control my impulses to get up or yawn or check phone or eat something. Same was with uni - I have no clue how I graduated but I haven't learned shit from there.

I tried nootropics (oxyracetam and l-theanine) and while they made me amazingly focused (3+ hours of concentration on a task), the side effects were too bad like being jittery or getting massive headaches.

While my last job was high paying, the bosses told me that they only had some hesitation about me later in my probation, and that if they had a choice in the beginning, they would kick me out straight away. This probation was very stressful and now Im scared shitless when thinking about going back to 9-5 office shit job.

So I started creating a blog as a mean to become self employed (on a topic of a drug I used to abuse). I've written like 50k+ words in 1 month but now I'm finding it hard to concentrate again. I feel like it will fail and Im wasting my time.

I took up a job as a parcel sorter for 30 hours a week so that I dont end up outside and to be honest its the only job where I dont feel lost. I always have something to do and always know what to do and even though Ive only been there for a week they put me on the best direction where only the best sorters can work. So basically I went from a marketing executive to a parcel sorter in 1 month. I dont know, maybe I should try to become a supervisor and get a career here. Problem is that I have one health issue due to which I shouldnt really be working this job if I dont want it to get worse.

I feel so random at times and I see my friends getting their first houses, while I have like £0 on my account. I only have money to pay rent, petrol and food. I have 2 degrees but if I could take back time and become a car mechanic at 19 instead of wasting 6-7 years at uni, I would do that. Because I havent learned jack shit, was just playing games and smoking weed.

Im 28 next year and my career has just stopped without properly beginning. The problem is that after working in the office I dont want to go back there, slave off 10 hours a day for pennies and then get treated like garbage. Hell, I even started hating the career path and the industry that I worked in.

My life goal is to have a child or two, but right now I wouldn't be able to support a family. When I tried to work on myself, especially when I got this executive job, I was trying so hard. I would wake up early, I would cook myself ALL food, obviously I went to gym 3-5 times a week and got to 90kg, I would meditate EVERY DAY, stopped drugs, got back into philosophy and astronomy, but whenever I did it I felt like im a dog and someone's putting more and more plates on my nose to see if I can keep balance. And then one by one these plates drop with a BANG!

I have heard there are drugs like Adderall that can help with concentration, but Im afraid of drugs and I dont trust them. Is there anything I can do? Im sorry for the wall of text, I guess I just needed to speak out this morning.