How do you develop emotional resilience?

Izzenw · 2015-10-23T10:04:38+00:00

Experience bro, experience. There is no magic formula. The more mature you become, the more these comments will seen small on your life.

When you get older, you will stop giving fucks about insults and critics.

Who cares if she told you that you nose is ugly, you have a meeting with a CEO tomorrow!

Who fucking cares if you are using old clothes, you are saving money for a better card.

You suck with sports? Who cares, You are too busy studying for your MBA.

Who cares if you hate clubbing? You are too tired from lifting to give a fuck about it.

Man the fuck up bro, and do what you like, wherever you like whenever you like. But with responsibility of course.

seenoeval · 2015-10-23T16:12:54+00:00

Sounds simple and is hard but just like anything else, the more of it you take in and learn to welcome it, the less you get of it, and the less you care.

One of my big turning points was a weird moment because generally things aren't so black and white in your life when you are trying to make a change.

I was at a coffee shop about to meet a prospective short term employee for a quick interview.

The table next to me had only one chair and two hb7's went to take it over. I had an empty chair so one girl just comes over and goes to slide it over without even asking me if it's ok to take.

I calmly said "sorry I have someone meeting me here in a minute so I'll need that chair"

Her: Well you don't get to hold chairs for people that aren't here.

Me: Well you don't get to decide what to do with the chairs at other peoples tables, especially without enough manners to ask before taking them.

Her: They're probably blowing you off, I sure would"

Now not long before that I would have been really embarrassed and humiliated by a comment like that. I'm a fairly attractive guy and I am in really good shape but it wouldn't matter because I'd feel ugly if someone said a mean comment.

Out of nowhere I just blurted out:

"You're nowhere near hot enough to talk to someone like me, like that" and just gave her straight cool collected eye contact.

I could sense the few people that overheard it snicker like "oh shit this dude just went hard"

I could see her frame collapse, I completely caught her off guard and could see she was super embarrassed.

Her face turned blood red, she turned to her stunned friend and just said "let's go " and mumbled quietly "something something asshole" sounding like she was about to burst into tears....which she probably did in the car.

The dude behind me said "that was fucking baller status right there, that slut is probably going straight home to kill herself now"

That moment made it all so clear to me. I had finally gotten it, I really did feel above her, she was just some base level attractive dumb bitch and I was a top level man, her opinions of me were worthless not to mention laughable.

You absolutely can go from self conscious to true not giving a fuck because you know you are as good as anyone else, it just takes work and pain just like any other goal.

ManyMasks · 2015-10-24T21:06:22+00:00

Your brain is tricking you into thinking certain things matter

Think about why you are feeling bad about insults. Evolution has bestowed on you a sense of dread over someone insulting you, because in the caveman days that meant your rank would go down in the tribe unless you could respond in such a way as to mitigate the damage. You likely dread two things; the immediate discomfort of the situation, and the potential social ramifications.

If you go to your local coffee shop, see a cute girl and your approach fails, you may feel like you can't go back out of shame and embarrassment. While those feelings are overblown, they aren't entirely without merit.

So what do you do?

Like others have said, experience will help, but how do you get that experience? Go where there aren't and social repercussions for your actions. Do you have a single day off and access to a car? Your task is to pick a city at least one hours drive away, preferably further, where no one knows you. You are going to go to that city and be someone else for the day. It's a vacation from you. Pick a new name, a new identity, and approach and talk to everyone; men, women, baristas, etc. You will get rejected and it will hurt. Each rejection will hurt a little less and you will likely have a few successes to even things out.

I do this several times a year, sometimes for weeks at a time. Sometimes I pretend to be wealthy, practically homeless, incredibly stupid, an arrogant prick, extremely religious, etc. Pick a personality and try it out. As long as you don't leave a paper trail (pay with cash, not credit/debit, never give out real name, phone, social media, etc.) or do anything so crazy as to warrant someone recording you and posting it to youtube, you can literally act without any consequence, because as soon as you leave anyones memory of you will completely fade.

One last exercise

You are going to prime your brain to think about positive things. Starting as soon as you read this comment, and for the next 10 days, you are going to write down the three things that you are grateful for today. You are going to do this just before bed. Get a piece of paper and write them down with the date. Don't know what to write? Be grateful that you aren't illiterate and that you can read and write. Be grateful that you have a bed to sleep in. Anything. You are priming your brain to focus on positive aspects of your life to build resilience in the face of negative events which you may not have control over.

wehadtosaydickety · 2015-10-23T16:32:35+00:00

Confidence and comfort in your own skin. Look within and find why you don't like yourself, start doing things so you like yourself. When you think you're awesome there is no better feeling and soon you stop giving a fuck what anyone else thinks.

throw_em_all · 2015-10-23T20:57:50+00:00

Sounds bad, but the more bullshit you experience, the more bullshit proof you become, hardens your skin.

edit: the fucking analogy wasn't as good as it sounded in my mind.

Title	How do you develop emotional resilience?
Author	throwawaycomedian95
Upvotes	1
Comments	5
Date	October 23, 2015 9:50 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/3pvze6/how_do_you_develop_emotional_resilience/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/how-do-you-develop-emotional-resilience.155502 https://theredarchive.com/post/155502

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