I can't keep friends.

-rubashov · 2015-09-09T05:17:06+00:00

A few general observations.

friends I do keep are lower value and maybe that's why I can't make progress

This fundamentally the crux of the issue. Men are transactional, even in our friendships. You have to provide value to receive value. Lift the value you offer and the quality of friends you can attract will increase.

There are different ways to increase value

sociable/high energy

funny/witty

leader/brings people together to have fun

provider/guy with the good beer hookups

Ultimately though what TRP has taught me is that close 'brotherly' friendship is mostly an illusion.

People come and go in different stages of life. Even those you are 'close' friends will drift apart from you. It's inevitable.

I would suspect you are focusing too much on 'connecting' and coming across as needy. The sort of bloke who always wants to 'hang out'. Keep meeting as many people as possible but don't actively try to make friends.

trpftw · 2015-09-09T04:30:51+00:00

Work on being an interesting, educated, or fun guy to be around with. Read some books on conversational skills or psychology.

The idea that you should have a group of friends 5-6 guys doing stuff together, is more of a sit-com thing rather than a reality for most guys.

That's not because you yourself have problems with connecting with other guys, but because guys in general are more on the autistic scale, than girls who are more on the borderline scale and more socially adept. With distractions like video games, internet, facebook, and tinder, it's no wonder that less guys have less "big group of friends" that they do stuff with.

I know a guy who is very well connected, he has tons of friends who invite them to stuff, but I talk to him, and I know he struggles too because he can't make any deeper connection. He knows a lot of people, he gets invited to stuff, he makes a lot of friends, he does stuff with them once in a while, but it's never the same group of people. It's never a deeper connection like a "best-friend".

So even being socially active and being a nice sociable person is not necessarily enough. Sometimes you just can do everything right and still not make "a ton of good friends."

Now I know another guy, who is very quiet. Never tells a story really. Has anxiety and anger issues. But yet, the friends he makes, would make any man jealous. Powerful people, extremely confident, alpha people to hang around. People with hot girlfriends and wives. People who are just extremely attractive to be around all the time, like you wanna hang out with them. And they seem to LOVE this quiet guy. I can never figure it out. Just has such a deep connection with them. I assume at some point he did something for them or impressed them in some way, or maybe on rare occasions he spills some miraculous wisdom on people. I don't know.

Point is. You can make friends a lot, and you don't have to be amazing at social skills, but that doesn't mean you should neglect those finer skills: conversation, personality, social etiquette, psychology.

Live an interesting, fulfilling life, learn a lot, approach a lot of new people with excellent small talk, and inspire or entertain people, and you'll make friends. Do some new hobbies too.

If you're in college, join clubs, it's probably better than just frats, but that's good too.

cascadecombo · 2015-09-09T09:53:50+00:00

http://www.dangerandplay.com/2014/09/25/develop-deeper-richer-friendships/

Read this. Next, you may be worrying too much about making friends. If people don't wanna come that's fine.

You also haven't really explained yourself as much. Do you instantly start hitting up these girls on the daily with boring messages?

Most guys I see around have groups doing things together 5-6 guys strong.

I rarely do this, mostly because I prefer fewer people so it's more chill but on the occasion I hit people up I usually can get a group of 8-14 people to chill / do something within 3-5 messages.

If you join a frat, I would definitely make some extra effort to make/keep a few friends who aren't related to greek life. Mostly to keep your ability to connect with others varied. And honestly, the best way to be able to connect with more people is to do more things.

I am seriously saying to try things like dance classes, random clubs, new sports (I prefer combat sports) and foreign languages(or foreign culture events).

zigg-_-zagg · 2015-09-09T12:59:04+00:00

The friends I do keep are lower value and maybe that's why I can't make progress, I dunno. I know this for a fact because this past weekend when I invited someone out they asked, "Who are you going with?" My response was, "I'm going with X," to which they responded, "Oh." And didn't accept my invitation.

Most guys I see around have groups doing things together 5-6 guys strong. But I don't have that, and I'm flailing around trying to see how I can make such a bonding connection. Maybe I'm an asshole. Maybe I'm too needy for friends that I drive them away. Maybe my life is bland.

I swear you sound like a guy I know who bitches too much about everything , plays the victim every time & wonders why people don't invite him out.

I don't have any advice other than start reading the side bar in TRP , Rational Male & The book of Pook.

Title	I can't keep friends.
Author	throwaway112697
Upvotes	6
Comments	5
Date	September 9, 2015 3:31 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/3k6rgr/i_cant_keep_friends/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/i-cant-keep-friends.153575 https://theredarchive.com/post/153575

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