I've grown up quite drawn to masculine archetypes, but never had someone to show me the right steps (or I would deny them at times because I was a programmed blue pill kid..shh)

Though I used to admire these characters, I took notice as I was growing up that I turned from left winged politic agendas to right winged. I started seeing shit for what it is. Society was fucking bullshit and still is. At times I wonder why the fuck do I have to live in such a world where women are messed up by nature, and men still keep being betaised idiots orbiting and doing crap all their lives! I pity lots of people and sometimes my old self, before PU and TRP kicked in.

I do listen to rap, but secretly I started to grow hate for black men because they're shown often in porn as bulls who cuck white husbands (beta idiots) and just because they're usually 60% more muscular than white males they think they're special, women would lie when they say they don't like black men but suck their dicks on the first chance (or so I believe) does that make me a hypocrite and racist? also a misogynist? I know here in TRP guys call other guys misogynists often for misinterpreting TRP and saying crap. The admin was once interviewed and said trp was a place for men to blow off steam, vent about their problems and views of women so this is why it's allowed.

I was betaised my whole teenagehood and now it's coming out in an aggressive manner, I want to get huge muscles and be feared by society as one of the most powerful. this isn't correct I think.

I know you guys will kick my teeth in by saying I'm a hypocrite for judging/blaming women and others for being a bp during the young tender years of my life but that's me, I hate this world for what it is and for having no-one to show me a way to cope at the darkest times when I got OCD and struggled with drug and alcohol abuse, long nights of wrestling with the devil.

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Now that I grew up, I found TRP and generally changed a lot of stuff.. I get the success with women which I was lusting when I was younger but wouldn't even get a friendly hug from a girl back then. It makes me think that what if I was still the shitty beta kid? These women I fucked would hurt me like the other ones back then, by saying I'm not their type, or that we should just be friends. I deeply believe this often subconsciously tends to lead me toward a weird love-hate emotion for certain women, which is close to oneitis but I learnt not to give a fuck ever or at least not for too long until I get my shit back together and start plating again if this happens, it's a cycle. The last six months have been the most Red Pilled in my life ever, and this excites me but I still feel empty. I might not have a mission yet, even though I improved my work ethic and made hitting the gym a priority nature, read, plate, eat right, dress handsome and get through.

Am I a racist deep inside who is looking for long lost validation and has suppressed feelings? Something is holding me back always, I will never be satisfied no matter how many hb 9's I fuck, no matter how many blowjobs I get, no matter how many achievements I will have in general.