Bare with me, this is a long post and was written in a moment of strong passion. So if I made a mistake point it out so I can correct it. There is no question- this is more of a vent. I just need someone to listen and offer their most constructive advice.

Okay guys so I have realised that I have a problem with expressing my emotions. Ever since I can remember I’ve always tried to present my self as “the mr perfect guy”- who can never get angry nor frustrated- rather always happy and smiling. This realisation came after doing a school project that required us to write a reflective journal.

Emotions: what I mean by emotions is things like, what I’m going through, if I’m feeling sad or depressed and so on.

I come from a cultural background where emotional expression is not a thing; and even if expressed it’s always in a toxic way.

Growing up I didn’t have an outlet to unload my emotions nor anyone to go to when I needed to talk about something that is bothering me emotionally. and so I worked so hard to keep my emotions stuffed within, but at times I would lash out at the slightest provocation- mostly the lashing out was in the way of anger and frustration along with crying. I never understood why I lashed out like that but I’ve alway understood that this wasn’t truly who I am; because afterwards I’d sit down, contemplate and ask myself “why did I lash out like that?, why do I always respond by lashing out?”.

I remember one day I reached out to someone whom I trusted about what I was experiencing, but he never responded and so I felt rejected; and the fact that this person whom I put sooo much trust in and built up the courage to reach out to them and poured out to them that I have an issue but I don’t know why I have it and how do I overcome this issue, and they did not respond, caused me to further internalise that expressing your emotions nor being seen weak is not acceptable.

the problem I’ve developed is that, I always want to be seen as that happy guy. I am literally scared to express my emotions. because I grew up with the mindset that ‘telling people about what you’re going through or that you’re feeling down because of such and such, is a “open wound and people will get great pleasure pouring salt on it”’.

I’m scared to express my emotions. I’m afraid that I’ll be seen as weak. I’m afraid that I’ll be laughed at, mocked or talked about behind my back. I’m afraid that I’ll be seen under a different light- light different than the perfect light that I’m trying to be seen under.

I’ve always tried and tried to present my self as the “always happy guy”, smiling all the time and never allowing myself to be seen as down or depressed- because that is/ has never been acceptable; I couldn’t feel that way. It wasn’t allowed to be seen in a state of sadness, depression, tiredness nor feeling down; it was alway and it had to be perfect. Mr perfect always feeling happy.

I’m scared to be seen angry, frustrated or sad by girl. I feel that this isn’t allowed; and that I must always present myself as the mr perfect guy who can never get angry nor frustrated nor sad. A chameleon. always perfect. I had to always be perfect.

Now that I have realised I have this problem, I know exactly what I need to to to overcome it. I’ve gone through NMMNG 3 times and I know that it talks a great deal on what I’m going through- but at the of listening to the audio book I hadn’t come to the realisation. Now that I have I know what I need to do.

I know this is a long post, so Thank You all for taking the time to read through it and for your responses.