I've been following/lurking on the Red Pill for awhile although I can't say I've been using it to its 100% potential. For some background, I'm an engineering student that graduates next semester. I've been lucky enough to pick up an engineering job that is $26 an hour recently and before this I was poor practically all my life.

I've been also dealt with shitty cards in my life. I've been told I have an attractive face, but unfortunately I am 5'5"/5'6" tall and I'm balding (I have a lot of testosterone which is a plus). I cover my bald spot with a hair concealer which pretty much covers it up completely but it's still "living a lie" and I hate myself for using it. I have had 4 girlfriends in my life with an "n-count" of 7 although that is really not impressive compared to most men here and I'm 27.

I'm the type of dude who acts confident and is the funny one in groups. I say clever and witty shit and I can make people laugh pretty easily and on the outside I look like a happy dude, but deep down I'm miserable, lonely, and have very low-self esteem (due to my genetic cards I have been dealt with as I previously said before).

These past few days I have thought of suicide but I don't have the balls to do it, and most importantly it is not fair to my mom and my sister, the only family I have. My dad died when I was young and I can't put my mom through something like that again. I have this motivation to be financially successful, but some days my self-esteem is low and I feel like it is easier to die. My school work is hard and intense, so I used this as an excuse to not approach women (which is pretty lame, I know). Oh and I forgot to mention, I drink a lot at night to pass out because I'm miserable, lonely, and I hate myself, it makes me happy for a short amount of time. That is why I say I'm a faker, I appear happy on the outside, but deep down inside I'm miserable, lonely, and angry at life and the cards I've been dealt with.

I just feel like i'm undatable. Women can date better guys than me because there are guys that are taller and have more hair and I think very poorly of myself. I really want to gain back some confidence but I'm worried I might be lonely and single for the rest of my life. I have met, talked to, and received phone numbers from hot girls before, but every girl I meet has a boyfriend already, I don't know if it is shit luck or if this is the way the "game" is. In college, dating is super competitive so I completely gave up with it. I am the type of asshole that doesn't like being "normal friends" with a girl. It is all or nothing for me, I'm either fucking a girl or I'm not, which a lot of people outside this community think is a shitty attitude. I feel that life is not fair and I'm bitter towards women because I envy them, all they have to do is exist to find love while for men they have to struggle.

How can I get rid of the negative feelings that I have ? I try to control the things I can, but there is so much genetically I can't control and I fuck hate myself for it. I hate seeing happy couples because I know I can never have someone to care for me like that. I've had girlfriends before, but it is extremely difficult for me to get a girlfriend and if I do, it's straight up luck.

So, how the fuck can I get rid of these feelings ? Is there any hope for me ? I just fucking hate myself at times. I guess this is more of an "off my chest" kind of thing. I have no one to talk to about this shit and I don't want to talk to someone I know in real life (especially a girl) about this shit, so I'm just telling internet strangers. I just needed to get this off my chest.

Thank you