Im lost

Psychocist · 2018-05-22T07:06:52+00:00

Yes, you are lost. We're all lost. Not a single person on this planet has their shit together 100%, I don't care what the exterior says. It sounds like you have a lot of work to do, though.

I was maybe in your position 5 years ago, alone in my bedroom all the time, programming and playing games. I think programming is the only thing that's kept me on track. You need to find something that endlessly engages you. It allowed me to pay for therapy for a couple of years, kit my life out, etc, .. but there was always a sadness behind my whole life. It's taken a good 3-4 years to shake this depression. Even now, I can feel myself spiral into that destructive hamster you are talking about.

I also used to think I was bipolar. Don't go down the rabbit hole of labelling your current state. You are not a static entity, you can change, mentally, on a very noticeable level. If you're that concerned, go get diagnosed multiple times, approach it scientifically. But that isn't your problem -- it would just be a lot easier if you simply had to resign to your comfortable, horribly depressing life because it was out of your control. Well, it isn't. You are very much in control, bipolar or not.

You can't avoid the work.

> I’m sick of selling myself short. I hate myself for trying to make things work instead of making things happen. I wish i was the man i know i could be, but i’m not. and even though i have faith i will make it there one day, it seems like the hamster will never just fucking die.

You are the man you know you could be. Stop looking at it as this is who you are. It might not be. I was convinced I was forever alone from about 18-28.. until I found TRP. I thought that was who I was. I thought I was meant to be left on the shelf, to be depressed all the time, directionless, kicked about by the world. And yet, 3-4 years on I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life, and am living a lifestyle I genuinely enjoy. Even if I wake up groggy or let my hamster run for a while on negative shit, I'll quickly catch myself simply because I'm already happy. I don't need it, and I never did. I don't need its opinions or rationalisations, and I don't need other people's validation or opinions. Lots of trivial bullshit falls to the wayside when you do find a real taste of happiness because you understand none of this crap is a prerequisite.

You are allowing your hamster to run wild for a reason. You think it will solve some particular problem for you. Maybe it will finally reconcile all of your insecurities and you can move on and behave like a normal, secure person? Maybe you using it to avoid the work involved? That was certainly a couple of my motivations. But the climb out of the tar pit you're in is a very messy one and it won't be easy.

> i want to murder the hamster so badly, but it always rationalizes that skipped back day today, that jerk off session, that white lie so i can play video games

Play video games, who cares. Moderation! There is no point in grinding away every day only to die at the end. It's all about the journey. Maybe if you've got a lot of shit to do, work yourself to the bone if you can healthily, but don't just view yourself as some kind of workhorse. Women are largely valued by society based on their sexual appeal, whereas men are largely valued by their utility. And I think many of us chase success without even realising we've adopted someone else's estimation. You don't have to improve yourself. You don't have to live as a cog in the monetary system. You don't have to work for money. You don't have to contribute to any of this shit. There are other ways to live life that you might find much more fulfilling. Some people renounce everything and go live the monastery life. Who's to place value on them or their lives but themselves?

Things that have helped me (YMMV):

2 years of therapy
exercising frequently (lift, run, whatever)
cutting back on expenses and working part-time (for gain in personal freedom)
working towards a mission (what I use my personal freedom for)
meditation
recording audio logs

On this last point - I think your self-talk can have a dramatic effect on your state of mind. Thankfully you said " i have faith i will make it there one day". That is the kind of self-talk you need to encourage, while ignoring all the negativity. I've found a great way of improving self-talk is through recording audio logs. This could be a 2 minute recording or a 2 hour recording.. all you do is hit record on your phone (download an app if need be) and start talking to yourself about your day, your month, your life, whatever. It will feel stupid at first, but you'll eventually become quite comfortable with it and will spew all kinds of random shit. You might not even listen back to the recordings -- the important part is that you are improving the conversation with yourself.

Something happens when you talk to yourself like this -- you do not constantly say "you're shit, you're meant to be like this, you're an idiot, you're a failure".. all of this negative self-talk becomes almost comical if you keep saying it aloud to yourself. You see the ridiculousness. What followed for me was a very curious approach to conversation with myself, a very exploratory attitude - I would have the attitude of asking questions instead of making conclusions. The maturity had improved tenfold. It become about self-discovery instead of self-condemnation.

I'm not saying this will help you, but I do urge you to try something simple like this and see what happens. You have to start changing your behaviour somehow. You are not going to get yourself out of this funk by doing what it took to get there.

DieMeinung · 2018-05-22T03:52:46+00:00

This is one of the main reasons why lifting is emphasized. Vigourous exercise does wonders in combatting depression, and it stimulates the body better than nicotine, caffeine other substances (alcohol isn't a stimulant). If you're not exercising, give it a try.

resnine · 2018-05-22T15:17:50+00:00

You're drowning, no one can save you but yourself. It's true. We can give you advice, but true strength comes from within. Throw yourself a life raft and get back on your grind bro.

theeworstyasuo · 2018-05-22T05:20:22+00:00

Get your thyroid checked.

EhzmwGGh · 2018-05-22T08:53:58+00:00

Cut alcohol out, it's toxic for you. It renders your workouts almost pointless because it's messing up your muscle protein synthesis. And by lowering your testosterone levels it also makes you sluggish and depressed.

Title	Im lost
Author	blr1998
Upvotes	14
Comments	8
Date	May 22, 2018 2:16 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/8l6ewf/im_lost/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/im-lost.97876 https://theredarchive.com/post/97876

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