Hello I recently noticed that I only get fired up to things that has competitions. I always want to improve in order to get better results and I see competitions as a great opportunity for massive improvement. Either you win or you lose you were always guaranteed to improve. But the negative side of it is I'm bad on reflecting when I lose. When I lose, I kept beating my mind that I losed because I'm just stupid trying to become the smarter than everyone. And it always comes to the point where i'm in a great despair that I don't know how can I get out from this hell of thoughts.

My friends that really know me always say that I'm smart but I'm just lazy and it supports my hypothesis that I only do whatever I can do when I do things that involves competition. In our school where almost everyone are rewarded with honors(even the ones that gets by with pleasing the teachers to get good grades), I lost the sense of competition so I only do enough to get by and focus my attention on things that has competitions like Games, Programming, Trading, etc...

When I focus my attention to the thing that I'm doing, it always result to the best around the people around me or one of the best. But when I don't feel that there isn't any competition, I just do what is needed and proceed to other things that I'm interested in doing. My classmates and teachers were always surprised during examination that I came up with the highest score(On the subjects that I'm interested in, Science, Computer, English, Research) even though I only attended class for a few days.

I'm curious if it's normal to feel this way or is there something wrong with me that I need to change. I don't have a lot of friends because I can't hold a conversation talking about normal things. When I talk about things that I'm interested in, I can certainly feel a switch turning off inside their mind. I feel connections with others but I can't hold it if we don't have same interest and only few people have the same interest with me.