Let me preface this by saying that before I stumbled upon TRP I had been involved with my current LTR for about two years now and had been feeling very anxious and unhappy as well as a little resentful of her. The best way to explain everything without going off on a tangent is to give you some background information on me and her and how we met and got involved with one another.

Me: I joined the military at age 19 and I was a virgin. I had a chance to sleep with a girl who had a crush on me in high school but I froze up and didn't do it even though she was over my place practically begging me to fuck her. I'll never forgive myself for that. I tried to hit on women my first two years in the military, including one time when I developed oneitis on one of my coworkers but she turned me down and I moved to a different department in the military hospital I worked in and I never saw her again.

LTR: My current LTR mentioned to me before that she had a "fling" with several guys. Before when we dated she told me that she was glad that I wasn't the type to bring her home on the first date, and she also mentioned that she never fucked anyone on the first date before....until I caught her contradicting herself when she mentioned earlier today that she slept with a guy she had met at a party after he had taken her out on one date.

She hamstered to me that "it didn't count" and when I told her that it counted to the rest of the world she folded and admitted that I was right.

She said that she had 5 "flings" within a 3 year span from age 18-21 (we both met when we were 21) and that she would only have one "when she had the urge to get some." Must be nice to scratch that itch whenever you want to. (Bitterness sorry)

How We Met: I met her on the job because me and my coworkers had to go to the store to pick up supplies for the hospital. She was there as a sample lady and we talked for a bit and I gave her my number. One of my coworkers asked why didn't I ask for her number instead and I said "because if she's really interested then she'd text me, if she's not then she won't." I don't know if that was a "beta" hamstering move or an "Alpha" one but in the end she texted me and we hit it off pretty well.

It took us awhile to hang out because she mentioned that she had to babysit and a load of other excuses but instead of nexting her or ghosting her completely I kept telling her that it was okay and I understand that people are busy. At this point in my life I had a very bad bout of depression and even though I was still a virgin I really just wanted to hang out with her, not fuck her. I had no friends and I lived alone in the barracks and never went out with anyone or did anything.

Anyways eventually we go out on a date together and things went great. On our second date it's obvious that she's digging me so on our third date we kiss and then next thing you know she's coming over to my barracks room. She wanted to fuck me really bad but I just couldn't get it up and I was extremely embarrassed (they say that depression kills your libido too) so in the end I never fucked her during that time period but we did mess around and do lot's of oral sex.

One day she called me and told me that she was pregnant. Apparently she had been in an "abusive" LTR with another guy and he had gotten her pregnant months ago and she hid it from me. Now the reason I put abusive in quotations is because no one that was really abused as bad as they said they was would ever let that man creampie them and she definitely wasn't ever raped by him either meaning it was a mutual creampie.

Not only that, but to agree to have sex with an "abusive" man without a condom or without any form of birth control cannot be rationalized to me no matter how you try and slice it.

And even if she was abused, her letting him creampie her let him know that his behavior was acceptable and that he could continue to treat her however he wanted so regardless I have no sympathy for her but I've never disclosed this to her because I feel like if I did then she would snap.

We hung out together one more time but eventually she went completely ghost on me.

During this time my military career was failing and I my moderate depression turned severe. On top of that I still hadn't fucked any women yet and even though I tried to go out and be sociable I kept failing over and over again. Eventually it all came to a head and I tried to commit suicide but failed and when I admitted this to my counselor I was admitted to the Psych Ward for a week.

After I left the Psych Ward I got involved with a woman who was a leech that kept asking me for money and who I, again, never slept with. Eventually I cut her off but not before having gave her away way too much money that she promised to pay back but that I've accepted that I'll never get back.

My current LTR texted me out of the blue one day after I got rid of the leech and she told me why she went ghost on me and that she wanted to go out with me. Now here's a rundown of what she said happened.

She had a miscarriage.

She broke up with her "abusive" LTR.

She ended up being homeless yet instead of calling her family and telling them what was wrong she called him and lived with him for some months before she then left him and went back to her family again.

She was on drugs.

She was tempted to sell her body for drugs on her "abusive" ex's requests but she said no (finally some self-respect for once?).

Her and her "abusive" ex both got arrested.

Despite her sending me this massive list of red flags I decided that I would just fuck her so that I could finally lose my virginity. Eventually I did (without protection) the first chance I got it was an amazing experience and it felt really good to finally get the proverbial monkey off of my back.

We started to hang out some more and I met her family and her mom, sister, brother, and in-laws loved me. We hit it off pretty well. She could cook really well, she can clean, extremely agreeable, etc.

However, one day she sent me a text saying that she had to go to court. And then I didn't hear from her for a week or so. It turns out that she was sent to jail for showing up late for her court date since she got them mixed up. I had to find out myself by looking her up online and I found out what jail she was in, but I couldn't ever visit her because I didn't have time and the jail had extremely inflexible hours.

She came out and we reconnected again and things were going great with us. I took her home for thanksgiving and I was with her family for Christmas and we even moved in together. Overall I didn't have very many complaints about her, but that was until I had a conversation with my mom.

She told me that my LTR wouldn't go anywhere and that I should enjoy it while it lasts but not get too serious about it. This is due to the fact that my LTR has literally nothing going for her. She's not in school, she works a dead-in job, has a criminal record that won't be expunged until the fall of this year, and as a result she was very limited job prospects. I used to pay for everything until I put my foot down and told her that I'm going to need for her to step up and wire me money from her paychecks so that she could take care of the utilities (which was what she told me she was going to do).

Nowadays, after living with her for 6 months now, I just can't help but think that my mom was right. A lot of the advice she gave me was very Red Pill. She told me to focus on myself, on finishing my degree, and on saving as much money as I could. She said that when my enlistment is done next year that I could come home and live with either her or my father rent free (they are separated but they feel the same about me living with them) and that since I will be on disability due to my mental health issues and sleep apnea and that the military will pay for my schooling I wouldn't have to worry about anything.

Now when I think about my LTR all I see are red flags. I feel as if the only reason I went out with her was because I was desperate and I wanted to lose my virginity, and that she was the only woman to ever fall so strongly for me.

I've never slept with any other woman and even though I know that it would be best for me to leave her and go home, I find myself being leaning back and forth on it.

There are times where I think about the flings she's had, how she would tell me that she slept with "so-and-so" because she had an "urge". Or when think how she's been to jail, how she's now in debt due to her miscarriage, which came about because she let such an "awful" and "abusive" man creampie her.

Next time she ever brings it up I might just tell her flat-out that I feel no sympathy for her since she let him do that. I've been holding it in for a long time.

I know that this was long-winded and that I come off as a bit bitter and angry but I'm more frustrated at myself for being put in this situation and letting my scarcity mentality guide me here.

I know that I should leave, and I'm sure everyone here will tell me to.

But after I leave then what?

I lift right? I lift, read the sidebar, and go crush it? I've never ever been that successful with gaming chicks and I dont count my LTR since honestly I feel as if she's used/damaged.

Hell, even SHE knows it. I can't tell you how many times when we've argued and she yelled out how she "should have known that she'd fuck it up" or "I knew that my past wouldn't allow me to find love".

I guess that answered my question for me right?