LTR deflecting any constructive observation with very hard self criticism. What's the appropriate response?

I've been reading TRP stuff for a while, but this is one thing that I don't remember being mentioned. LTR is generally great and reasonable, but I can't seem to find a way to constructively help her improve. If it was a plate I wouldn't care, but I think improvement in general is a continuous process that everyone needs to be engaged in. If I make a remark about how she could do something a bit better in the future (or present her with a resource that would help her), I'm met with an avalanche of self hate and blame, to which I assume she expects me to respond by comforting her and tell her she's amazing. I haven't ever done that, I usually deflect or tell her it's not a big deal and I'm sure that now that she knows she can do better in the future. I thought not giving her attention would help, but she keeps doing it. Sometimes I don't even have to say anything; it can be something as little getting a glass of water myself after she said she'd get me one, but forgot. Then she'll realize she forgot and start loudly telling me how she's "useless and I "should dump" her because she can't even do the simplest of tasks for me. How should I approach this from a TRP perspective?

[–]Self-honest5 points6 points7 points 6 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link

It’s possible she wants you to kill the puppy.

“Please break up with me so I don’t have to be the bad guy, because I no longer want to be with you”

I mean really, she should be going above and beyond to make sure you don’t break up with her. If she won’t even do the simplest of things then openly states that you should break up with her, the dynamic is off.

She should love and appreciate the things you say. She should be agreeable. If she is being disagreeable regularly when you say things, the dynamic is off.

If you continue to keep a girl around that does suck and isn’t being a good girlfriend, it only reinforces the fact that you aren’t worthy of a good girlfriend, and lessens your value in her eyes.

Might be time to move on. Or at least begin a new course of dread.

I like setting up tinder dates that I may or may not go on. This seems to play out in my persona and is easily picked up on by my LTR who noticeably steps her game up without a single conversation.

The bottom line is that she should be grateful for your leadership in a LTR. If she is anything other than that, she’s probably not the right girl to be in an exclusive relationship with.

She is clearly not open to your leadership and is deflecting because she is probably repulsed by you for other reasons that are spilling over into this.

If she was in love with you, as all LTRs should be, she would be in lock step with your leadership.

[–]aam583[S] 1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you for your reply. You raise some very good points. All noted. Perhaps I should pay most attention at what other reasons there might be that spill into this. I don't think she's repulsed, but sometimes I feel she resents me for having "better luck"?! She'll press a button, it won't work, she'll call me, then I'll do it and it's fine, except now she's frustrated.

As I was saying, she is a great girlfriend in most instances; she does planty of things for me, without having to ask her, and I feel she respects me. Every now and then we go on Tinder together to set up a date with a girl.

But it does bother me that she puts herself down like that, and it does make me, more or less (un)consciously, think less of her. I wish she'd either be fine with making a mistake, or if she's truly bothered by it, take action to address it in the future (when it's something that can be addressed). I don't care if she forgot to put on make-up when going to the grocery store once and I don't think she's "hideous" as she will say, but I'm also not going to tell her "natural beauty is the best" "you never need to put on makeup" or "true beauty comes from within" lol

[–]Self-honest2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Are you significantly higher SMV than her? It sounds like that might be an alternate view of this situation.

If so, she may feel significant anxiety and realize it’s only a matter of time before you leave her for something better.

It is a vicious cycle where her own anxiety manifests as a self fulfilling prophecy by making you less attracted and more likely to leave her.

Which might be the ultimate move at the end of the day. There is undoubtedly a less insecure more well put together woman waiting around the corner for you, whether you decide to go that route or not.

The only other option would be to dial up the beta behavior in certain instances to lessen the SMV gap and give her more comfort.

I personally feel like that’s selling yourself short and isn’t part of becoming the best man you can be.

A final point I harken back to regularly:

If a female says something you would rather her not have said, ignore it and act as if she didn’t say it.

This works in two ways.

1) You won’t waste precious time worrying about some shit that doesn’t matter and it won’t effect your relationship at all.

2) Much like a conditioning a dog, if there is never a reaction to that kind of comment, the comment ceases to have any value in being stated and will likely slowly begin to disappear from the equation.

At most just give her “the look” of disapproval when she says something self defeating, possibly state once in the beginning of this new method that it is unattractive when she says stuff like that, then only the look or a complete ignore from there on out.

Title	LTR deflecting any constructive observation with very hard self criticism. What's the appropriate response?
Author	aam583
Upvotes	0
Comments	3
Date	June 20, 2020 7:26 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/hcs60m/ltr_deflecting_any_constructive_observation_with/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/ltr-deflecting-any-constructive-observation-with.698650 https://theredarchive.com/post/698650

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