Since I was a kid, or rather in high school and stuff, I was never really that cool. I had friends, but wasn't one of the popular kids, moreover when I was in a situation when there was a lot of stress on me, I would get really weak, like performing in front of other kids, or whatever.

So I was content with this, but I don't know if I was settling or rationalizing. Did I really want to be admired by the popular kids and douchebags?

Presently, I look at my life, and I have some amazing friends. I'm not saying judge yourself by superficial traits, but some of the people I am friends with are really successful, awesome, happy people. i am surprised when they invite me to things. I think, why would they invite me? I literally think that. I'm glad they like me but I feel fake as fuck imposter syndrome.

When I'm talking to people, like when there is more than one person listening to me, I begin feeling like, why are these people listening to me? My stories aren't cool or interesting, and if they are, I don't know how to tell them like that. I get animated and amuse myself but I don't know if it keeps other people's attention. Or sometimes I get really detail oriented and boring. I start to think, well, this is fun but when Chad comes up to us they're going to pay attention to him instead.

I must bring some kind of value but I don't know what. I mean, people wouldn't talk to me or invite me to things if I didn't. I can't figure out the kind of value I bring. I literally cannot figure this out. I have no money, I'm not that good looking, . I have made sort of an I don't give a fuck attitude, except a lot of the professional people I know don't seem to appreciate it. Odd thing about that, when I'm with popular people I think they're not serious enough and it annoys me, but they don't care and are popular, but I see other people responding to me in the same way and then it makes me feel bad. I feel like a joker. I guess I'm just the kind of person who seems more confident than some other people? Except I'm not, and when I get in my head I get really in my head and fuck up the situations

It blows my mind when a hot chick talks to me, because I'm like, did you not see that male model over there? I guess if you can't find the alpha in the room you are him.

I don't get it. People like... do things for me, they bring me lunch at work, they invite me to things, these people are all way more congruent with themselves than I am. I'm waiting for them to see I'm a dork and excommunicate me or something. This is all recent for me and I'm not secure with it yet. And I'm not regular enough with it either, something wonderful will happen and then I'll blow the next handful of interactions I have. So It's like... build some confidence, lose some confidence.

So tonight, I was at a party at a phenomenal house with some people I use to work with. I mention the house because they're very well paid for what they do high status people despite being very young, and it's like, I don't even get why I fit in there. They invite their awesome friends and I'm there faking it the whole time, not faking myself, but faking like I know what the fuck I'm doing on life. So I met this beautiful woman (social circle) and we vibe for like an hour, can't escalate really given the parameters of the party, she's laughing at my jokes, eye contact, copying my mannerisms, etc., and it's seldom I actually get turned on while talking to a woman but it was happening. I'm pretty sure her boyfriend showed up later, anyway, some guy she left with. I'm so dumbfounded because usually hot chicks don't want to talk to me, much less existing on my wavelength (seemingly) for an hour. This seems like a success but additionally a fluke, because it doesn't regularly happen. I'll meet 10 people and connect with maybe 2 of them. So while I'm at the party, I get invited to another thing, and I'm just like... you guys know I'm a dork right? So I think maybe the wife at the party has a secret crush on me, but then I think I'm just being fantasy beta about it. She gives me good eye contact sometimes, but seriously, in this part of the world, everyone eyefucks everyone constantly.

I swear, I'm either trying too hard or not trying enough. I'm waiting for the whole thing to fall apart and everyone realizes I suck. I have never been popular in my life, I recently moved across the country to a new place and started over, and now that I sort of have a peer group and they're doing things that are kind of normal I guess, I'm not used to it. I feel like it's not even real when people do stuff for me. I want to cry sometimes at the sweetness of people because I'm just like, I haven't experienced this before. It's been ingrained into my head that I'm a dork and now when other people aren't treating me like I'm a dork, my brain can't process it. I'm afraid they will see through the facade, but it's not even a facade, it's like they'll just realize I'm not a person with good status or whatever they like about me. I'm not faking anything, I'm more authentic than I have been in the past. I'm just... surprised (some) people like me.

I don't understand what value I'm bringing. What is there that people can like about me? Obviously, this is just my friends, there's a lot of people who don't like me at all, not like we're enemies, just don't connect at all.

It's not that I'm not grateful for this. I am. It doesn't seem real.

What do I do to move beyond this?

Sorry for the diary post.