tl;dr - Don't want to end up alone with no one who gives a shit about me

My biggest fear is to end up like my mother. She had it all when she was my age; a loving husband, two kids, strong supportive extended family. But she fucked it all up by fucking a doctor while my dad was deployed.

She got me and my brother. She sucked at being a mom. I maybe remember 2 home cooked meals my 18 years living with her. She was never around, working 24/7, blah blah blah. The point is I have no emotional connection to her. I simply do not care. If she were to die, I'm sure I'd be a little sad, but it would not affect my life in the least bit. I don't depend on her for anything, not even check up texts. I get jealous of people who are close to their family.

I see my future in her. She is alone, and no one cares. I get so depressed the rare instance when I go to see her because I see how dark my life will become. I can get lost in occasional pussy here and there but the end result is I feel so god damn dull.

This goes against TRP. Because I'm afraid of not being committed to someone. But every time I have committed in the past, it has been a complete drain on me and waste of a good portion of my life. So I fuck around, not really taking anything serious, cutting ties if I get too emotional.

This is the lingering blue pill... I so badly want to believe in a copilot in life but reality is that's not the fucking case. And as history repeats itself, I'll be old, alone, and no one will give a fuck. I came in to the world and leave it with no seed of my own. My genetics end with me.

Sure I can get lost in work, give my all to other people, make the world a better place. But when I get too old to work, and my peers retire to their families, I'll have just me, maybe a dog, and that's fucking it. I don't even know why I wrote this, just to vent I guess, but fuck it... if there is any advice on how to reframe I'd appreciate it.