I'm at a really tough point in my life right now. Desperate.

I'm 20 years old, in my junior year of university in a competitive nursing program. I've been lifting for 2 years but I'm still skinny fat, overweight, lacking adequate muscle.

I started reading PUA/RP when I was 16. I was rejected by my high school crush/oneitis. Kissless virgin. Bluepill beta. Clueless.

My whole life I was overweight, short, shy, with low self-esteem. Never played sports or did clubs. All I had going for me was grades.

I went out approaching, trying to be more social, positive, etc.

I ended up making out with different girls but I didn't lose my virginity until I was 18. I met a fat girl when we were college freshman. I never committed to her but we were FWB for 2 years. We're in the same nursing class, but things are casual between us.

I had a one night stand after with a HB6 latina, she was older, like 26 or something. I felt absolutely nothing after.

I've made out with like 12 girls and gotten head from 3 or 4 but those things don't matter to me. I think I need to increase my lousy body count of 2.

Fast forward to a new chick. HB7 dominican/russian virgin. Unicorn. No experience with guys. We just broke up after 3 months. She told me that she "lost interest". I got too comfortable. Beta tendencies crept in. I failed all her tests. She gave me head but she never even let me finger her. I still see her around campus but its over. I'm still getting over one of my worst cases of oneitis with this one.

I'm talking to a new girl. HB8 jamaican/haitian/puerto rican. Shes in my class. I also used to fuck another girl in m class. she doesn't know yet. I'm wondering hot that will change thigns. Anyways, I'm realizing that shes an alpha widow. She's only fucked one guy before. Ex-boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. He cheated multiple times, got another girl pregnant, and got married. She hasn't had sex in 3 years. She told me that she believes long term relationships should end in marriage. Shes been great to me, submissive, caring, seems to be loyal. We've made out, i sucked her titties, she gave me a handjob, but no head/fingering/sex yet. She's so afraid. She doesn't wanna get hurt. She wants me to commit to her and be in it for the long haul. She said she wants this to be "it". She doesnt want to ever go through what she went through emotionally ever again (break-up).

I've never had a girlfriend, and I want to give it a shot. I can get my 3rd body, and also have pretty hot sex with a girl who cares about me. Thing is, I'm prepared for it to end eventually.

I'm not going to commit anytime soon, not until late january/february if I do.

I'm just wondering what the fuck I should do in my life right now.

I don't have enough sexual experience/social skills/or confidence in myself right now. Theres so much stuff that I want to achieve. I feel like I can improve myself in this relationship, learn a lot about myself maybe even other people or women, but I might cheat. I think that temptation will always be there.

I'm just confused. Pretty girls are finally starting to like me. But i still have big time scarcity mentality. Self-esteem issues. Limited experience.

I want to give it a shot. But im not going to take this relationship seriously. Maybe I'll fall in love. But after reading the red pill I think I'm going to keep my guard up for the rest of my life and probably never marry or have children.

Our values conflict in certain ways but right now I'm trying to see past it. I just wanna fuck people. But I'm disgusted by hoes. I want a good girl. She has mental baggage, but not too much as far as I'm concerned.

I'm just confused. I want to be single, I want a relationship. I want pussy, I want love. I want to find the answers as a young man. I want to be alpha. I want to live my life to the fullest.

I've already felt so much pain in my life between losing loved ones, being rejected by people who I've invested in, and overall realizing where I stand socially as a beta male. Watching from the sidelines. Never competing, never winning, never understanding the world the same way that naturals do. I'm probably one of the most insecure/awkward/anxious people I know.

So I guess the problem right now is that I have a good girl who wants to give me the world. I'm just afraid to give her my commitment. I realized that I'm still not the person that I want to be. I need looks,money, status. Confidence, friends, experience. Self-acceptance.

I just feel like theres so much I have to learn in life but I'll never know what it's like until I go through it. Which is why I want to give this relationship a shot. But I'm always gonna wanna try other pussy. It's confusing. I don't know how I feel or what to say, how to articulate this to her.

I'm thankful that I found the red pill, but I feel like its going to leave me jaded for the rest of my life. I find it hard to sympathize with other people or buy into blue pill ideology in general. I'd like to consider myself pre-alpha or at least game aware. I'm still in my anger phase however. I'm so caught up in the idea of having sex to make me feel better about myself. I'm not even sure if any of this matters. But I want to know how it feels to be a dominant male, living life to the fullest. Answering to no one. Living life on my own terms. It's a long road, but I think it's possible.

My thoughts were all over the place in this one. any feedback?