So..I guess this will be a long post, highly doubt that anyone will read it, but fuck that, I need some external advice as I am struggling in my life generally, so I will take that chance

I guess that I will divide it into three sections: issues work and improvements. I will start with improvements in the past year.

1) I got rid of my ex. Girl was BPD, fun to be around, had amazing sex with her for two years. Unfortunately found a BF so I cut her from my life as she brought too much bullshit lately in my life.

IMO this is a good thing as she was just a 6/10 with amazing tits with no real value(she has like three topics to talk about). Definitely ons case with her for me so that's another +. The funny thing though is that she's probably the only person who ever hold some kind of interest in me as a person..which kind of sucks..but that's past and it will stay there.

Started with going to gym(even though I am not going to public as I own some stuff so I can lift at home). Improvements can be accounted as I feel mentally better. Issue is that I've been going only for like two months and my motivation is dwindling as lately I have been working out two days a week instead of four

Got my own apartment. The thing is relatively small(42m2)l, but it's enough for me, and money for that thing is a joke in comparison with rent in this city.

2) Now to my issues. I am borderline alcoholic, and I know it. I can drink somewhere between 15-25 beers a week with no issues. No hard alcohol though. And I cannot get rid of it(I was sober two weeks because of stomach flu -- and that was longest sober streak I had in like 5 years). Not sure how to proceed in this as I know that eventually I will probably drink myself to death.

Well and you guess it I have social issues as well. Girls are usually somewhat interested(I consider myself in current state somewhere in 6-7 range), but lose interest in a week or two when they will realize that I am fucking loser. Can't really blame them though(my game in bed is also somewhat lacking i guess -- atleast from what my ex told me recently lol). No real friends, I sometimes get into contact with people I met years ago, but that's it -- socially. It's fucking depressing as people kind of can sense that there is something wrong with me and just vanish before any kind of connection can form.

Also don't let me start on my gaming addiction.

And now the real shit, I am also borderline suicidal. No cuts on arms or actual suicide attempts, but I know my thoughts when I am really drunk, so I guess it's just matter of time until I will get black-out drunk and just do some stupid shit. And the fact that I bored to my core with thoughts of meeting my sister(which actually killed herself one year and half ago) just doesn't help it either.

3) Well and my work. I will keep it short. It sucks. It's dead end job with people who are kind of ok, but generally don't like me and I don't like them. Pay is kind of solid, but I think I can get more. I am definitely not satisfied with it.

I kind of guess that I lied myself that I am improving, but that's not really true..

TL;DR: I am a social failure(in every way imaginable) with suicidal thoughts and inability to do anything about it. That fire that once was there is year and half gone, and I am not sure if I can rekindle it.

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