Hello Brothers,

I'll try to keep this as succinct as possible, however, a considerable amount of backstory will be necessary. I'm seeking advice specifically from older contributors & RPs who have "been there done that" and turned their lives around in regards to the following thoughts which have been on my mind: I realize I'm terrified of aging & existence (just turned 30) 2) I am still having feelings for an ex from almost a year back 3) Deep struggles with the meaning of it all - been listening to too much JRE & Stoicism stuff and the just how large the universe is and how brief our shared blip of time & diverging timelines is constantly filling my head, as if there's an expiration date

Backstory

Went RP at least 5 years ago when this sub was like 3k followers. Watched as the community grew from pickup artistry to lifestyle to full on manifest destiny & political philosophy as the likes of Roosh rose and crashed, only to be succeeded by Jordan Peterson & Stefan Molyneux & Bret Weinstein. I'm a talented, handsome guy, but had no success with women until I found this sub. It used to be the only thing I thought about. Got laid really late in the game & because I never had a gf in high school & moved so much as a kid, I always had a hard time creating any sort of emotional bond with anyone. I'm great at making first impressions, and very charismatic, but I used to be extremely callous & never really ever thought about anyone.

Countless gym sessions, picking up new hobbies, projects, and dozens of girls later, I find myself moving to the Middle East to work. Early on I met a girl as just FwBs as I was already seeing a few others at the time. Over the course of 5-6months I decided she was exceptional and we became more serious. Amidst all the plates I've had, I've only had one other gf for about 2 years. I reserve that right only for a girl I'd consider having kids with - the rest are plates no exceptions.

We have a great relationship, no real issues or arguments. Effortlessly make each other's lifes much better in every aspect possible. Seamlessly fit in with our social groups, she was RP af and went SO out of her way for me. We considered having a family etc - with one big catch - her parents are absolute crazy religious fundamentalists. They hate white people & foreigners & people who aren't they're religion and after 2 years, they were never willing to even hear me out. I deeply considered it, and realized I'd never trust her mom as a grandparent to my child, so it'd have to end. Because I was living with abundance, everything in the relationship was RP af but I was indeed failing comfort tests, which lead to her actually initiating the breakup.

After a day I was fine, since I'd already considered the above. In fact, the same night I met a new girl. And there's been about 10 girls in between since I stopped seeing her in April. I focused on the gym, my life exploded with new gigs and cool projects, and generally didn't think about her other than the occasional "I hope she's doing well" if I saw something that reminded me of her. I stop following her on social media, and even met a new girl I liked even more - but rinse wash repeat with the parent situation, so that didn't work out either.

Late Case Oneitis

Is it possible for Oneitis to kick in months - year after a breakup? A couple things happened that lead me to this - I started occasionally smoking weed with a young plate. Since I eat really clean and don't drink much, drugs tend to hit me hard. I was having not quite halucinations, but very close to an extended sensory experience. The first time it was great! I was so focused on the music I was listening to, and really deeply enjoying the experience of experiencing it. 2nd time was good. 3rd time - I felt so present I could no longer feel the existence of time - when I closed my eyes it was like staring at the flashing invincibility star in Super Mario Bros and my head and nose felt very warm AND WAS NOT FUN.

I had the realization that the day will come when there is no realization. I started having panic attacks on a nightly basis (mostly at night, but sometimes during the day) I was getting very little sleep. And my mind was constantly wandering back to this. Since I have very few close friends (lack of emotions, remember) I didn't know how to deal with this, other than telling myself "if it's in my mind I can control it, it will pass, just like yesterday"

I also realized a substance in my workout supplement was highly addictive and I started exhibiting withdrawal when I stopped taking it - so I quit cold turkey and surfed it out for a few weeks (lost 10kg) And I think the intensity of my workout was contributing to these panics. I even had a panic attack on a tinder date at a milkshake place (told the girl to walk me home - still got laid LOL)

A month goes by - I start smoking a little bit again and eating a bit more. This time I have the realization that I miss my ex, and none of these girls (except one other) are even close to being quality. They complain about stupid shit, have no real interests, don't understand anything I do, and have no life experience or anything interesting about them. Most were objectively hotter than my ex, a few were insane in bed. None are quality, they're junk food girls.

As I hit 30, I'm caught between thinking I'm both hitting the male wall of "can't be 25 forever" yet simultaneously realizing 30s is the when the fun starts for men. However, during my whole smoke weed and meditate adventure, I realized, I act like a child, my tastes are the same since I was 8. Other than having discipline & life experience, my sense of "consciousness" or "me-ness" feels exactly the same, just more compassionate and deeper connected to the entire world around me. I haven't had a full on panic attack in about a week or two - and I've been telling myself that "the purpose of life is to add value to others, regardless of how small"

A few years ago the only thing I would talk or think about is music & pussy. I think this inner realization and breakup has caused a giant shift in my awareness and I'm really struggling to see the point of it all or get through it, as I'm a big picture guy by nature. And big picture means some day the sun will burnout with or without us, not "hey in 10 years I want to buy a house."

Has anyone been trapped in a cycle like this? I know this is long, gonna go to the gym in a bit and hope to have some insight into a plan of action.