Alright, since I dont have any unplugged...anyone in my life to share this with, and because I work my shit out with words, here's a question with a way too long prologue.

Tl;dgaf I need sources that can help me regain my stoicism. I fucking gave it away to a oneitis like a retard and haven't found the material I need in the sidebar. Just point me to it.

Ok, been reading TRP and requisite material for over a year now, owning diet, lifting heavy, getting back to college body. I got out of a poisonous engagement last Feb. and completely moved on from her quite easily. I've always been a natural stoic when it comes to breakups.

Here's the rub. I got oneitis for this 23yr old, old crush. At first I had it down. Great frame, outcome Independence, she often spoke of admiring my emotional and rational strength. I was still on the lookout for other girls, and she proposed an open relationship. I didnt care, saw no problem with freedom. She quickly reverses and says she can't compartmentalize relationships and would rather just concentrate on me. We talk more, and go on somr trips that I spiritually needed. They were soul cleansing trips, but I'm afraid that I gave her all the credit for them. This is where I think the oneitis came from.

Fwd 2 months (her admitted longest relationship she's ever maintained)

She gets interest from other guys, and there I learn that she's flaky, some awkward conversations happened that I ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD (OR INITIATED) WITH HER. Seriously I even bargained with her and immediately I knew I was fucking up hard. She even spelled it out for my dumbass and said, word for word about the other guy's attention and help and time he had been giving her, "I'm really grateful to him and sometimes I think my body is all I have to offer".

Spelled. It. Out.

I try to go back to not giving a fuck, and fucking her brains out when she or I visit each other like once a month. She is always willing and into it, because I know what I'm doing and can make her cum a lot. She's said many times in those awkward conversations that she really wants the casual intimacy to keep going on. I really still enjoy it a lot. Obviously, so obviously, way too much.

I can tell she's keeping me as an orbiter. I'm some good fucks once a month who she gets validation from. What was her calling me every day is now a few texts every few days. I wanna kick my own ass for waiting to hear from her.

I can't find my stoicism. I'm fucking miserable because I can't get her out of my mind. I understand TRP material, I believe in the empirical fucking truth of hypergamy and awalt. I KNOW that this girl can't ever give me what I need.

I don't hate her for it. I'm past the anger phase. But now I've got this duality in me, and it's not like the anger phase. My BP side knows it's drowning, but it's pulling the logical and stoic side underwater with it. It feels like defeat and panic.

Fuck this. I need inspiration. I need a master who can beat my stupid little ass with logic and wisdom until my callouses are back and I can fuck this girl and all the next ones without having to pay it my attention. I want my attention on bigger, more important things. I am repulsed by the idea of improving my life and self in order to "make this work". I wanna take that little BP idea and hold its head underwater until it's quiet forever.

You can rip on my dumbass, or point out what you think I might really need to hear because I'm not fully aware of it. I'll give it shrift, but really, all I want is my stoicism back. I have momentum and drive behind the rest of my improvements, but this inability to dismiss a frivolous & shallow relationship is bleeding me. I wanna be back to 100%