Note: My mind and brain have been acting very fucking weird lately. I've been switching very fast between mania and depression, so forgive me if this text isn't as organized and as linear as it should be. It's very hard getting control of whatever is happening to my brain right now so keep that in mind. Thanks.

Lately I've had a lot of problems fluctuating between severe self hating depressive episodes and manic episodes that very mystical and spiritual feeling. This is not a mental problem, it's not a thinking problem or an emotional problem, and most importantly it is not a problem I have created.

I started feeling depression at 11 years old back in 5th grade. I am now 21 and have very severe problems with true bipolar and psychosis. The reason I say "true bipolar" is because the majority of people diagnosed do not have it. Most people who claim to have it are just moody bitches. If there isn't psychosis involved or moments of extremely elevated mood resulting in spiritual euphoria then its not bipolar.

Im going to try to keep this a little short. There's so much going on with my brain that it'd take a few hours to type everything that is going on. Anyways, ill have periods that last a few days to a few monthw feeling very bright. Feeling very energetic and euphoric. Accomplishing everything and anything in a manner that surprises the "normals"(average people). My behavior can become very unpredictable and eradic. When this happena though, it feels right.

Nothing about mania feels wrong and in almost all cases I make huge improvements, I socialize very well, I become very fucking funny, loud, cocky and arrogant, resistant towards extreme temperatures and pain, pace for up to 8+ hours while philosophizing and thinking my best thoughts.

Many of my philosphies and theories seem to be correct and have actually helped me out a lot. I feel spiritually connected and feel like Im made out of light during this phase. If you have ever had a decent come up on psychedelics and have ever tried an opiate before, that's what it feels like, but even better.

My mind processes things instantly, my testosterone feels like it is sky rocketing, all my lifts increase by 5-10lbs, and my energy is sustained even after 10-12 hour workdays doing real work like construction.(side jobs mostly).

I am the perfect person when manic. It doesn't just feel like that. I express myself like that and actually come across as a role model. I come across as Alpha and people look up to me and think im a badass when manic. There's many things ill do manic that most people won't do qnd many things I can achieve that most others can't.

At the peak of mania, I see paterns and geometry forming in my mind. If it becomes strong enough these patterns and geometry will faintly overlap surfaces in my external environment. This will progress into decorated faces that look somewhat like masks and totem poles. At this point I start to feel extremely euphoric and connected.

Everything is done without having to critically think or analyze. I can easily glide through conversations and reality feels perfect in these moments. Now there is a lot more I could say about my mania but this ia getting a little long. So on to the subject of depressive episodes.

Depressive episodes in my experience are the exact opposite of what I have described. Self-hatred, feeling like I am made out of absent space or darkness rather than bright white light. Feeling as though I am the void itself and that I am dissociated and absent in every situation.

My brain stops working and my thoughts become slow and dull. My body becomes weak, I lose some color and become paler. I start feeling hot and cold flashes, intense waves and bursts of hate, depressive energy, melancholy, worthlessness, etc... My thoughts become very murderous and violent and I start feeling like I want to murder people and do very unforgettable things to them.

My connections to the world and everyone become cut off. I feel like the air around me is haunted as though im surrounded by dark shit that prevents me from connecting to anything in those moments. At this point, psychosis sets in and I'll swear up and down that there are entities inside of me that control my life and induce suffering for their pleasure and gain.

I feel as though they suck my energy and posses me into having the murderous violent thoughts. I have rarely seen visual manifestations of entities inside my mind and dreams. Speaking of dreams, when im in a depressive state, I have repeated dreams of being stuck in abandoned places that are impossible to get out of.

Most of the time Ill be in a room thats abandoned but still has everything in it as if the owner walked out and never came back. I walk out of the room and there will be another room. It is also abandoned but has its own furnishings and style different from the first. I might open a drawer and inside that will be another room. Every door and opening leads to more and more of these abandoned rooms. There's no outside, just a a maze of abandoned rooms with no beginning or end.

I also have dreams of being stuck in school where I was always miserable and bullied everyday. In fact I would skip school for days to weeks because of how miserable I was there. I was withdrawed but thankfully finished my education virtually. Anyways in these dreams, i never can find my classes or get to them on time, i can never find my bus when school is out and they all leave before I can get on.

Ill go back in the school to call my parents and get lost in the maze of hallways, bathrooms, gyms, cafeterias, class rooms, etc... Every dream is a different school in a different place with different people. I average maybe 100 of these dreams a year and have been since the age of 13 or 14. I am 21 now, so for 7-8 years this has repeated. Even when I was still in school.

I know this has been very long but I have too much shit going on in my brain and psychology to be ignoring this. None of this can be ignored. If you ask me, bipolar is a physical brain disease that can't be healed through lifting, good diet, etc... Sorry redpill, but these things don't cut it. I've already gained 30lbs of rock solid muscle and have a sexy tanned blue eyed body. I have low body fat and visible abs, pecs, etc... I eat an awesome diet with lots of healthy fat and protein. I take cold showers, lift up to 5 days a week and I do many more things for my health such as getting sun.

Here is my point. These things fix a lot, but they don't fix a physical brain disease that alters reality. Remember the part about seeing patterns and such? Yeah, the routine dont fix the heavy psychological shit like that. I know you guys are not doctors, many of you are probably convinced that I am making this up or exaggerating and are also probably confused with all the information I've provided. You guys are realistic, you guys have life experience, have success, etc...

I know that if I want a realistic answer to how to fix this or at least realistic advice, that this is the place to come to. I've made many improvements here at the redpill and I appreciate all the help I have gotten. But, before I can REALLY start life, I gotta fix my perception of reality and the way my brain sends signals. I need advice now and help from those who have also experienced similar things. Thank you.

One last thing, I only got to cover the basics. There is a lot more that goes on on my mind and it would take very long to describe that all. Hopefully I provided enough info to get some help. If you're really interested in helping me please pm me. I don't need my hand held, but with a disease like this I need aomw guidance and people to look up to. Once again thanks guys.