I'm relatively new to reddit. I only come here regularly because of this sub.

TL;DR: 20 yr old Asian American had abusive childhood. Finally found TRP this year and came a long way to reverse it all. After several months, the cold realization that the taught ideals about social dynamics were a lie has deadened me inside. Looking for inspiration to keep going.

History before TRP I'm going to start from the fact that I was on high dosage of blue pill. I am a 20 years old, Asian American, probably average looking, and a sophomore at university. I was abused physically and mentally by my father growing up. I abandoned my beliefs in everything because I was outraged that this would happen to me. Despite this, my mother encouraged me to do well in school and I found my passion in achieving. My belief was that if I did well in school and only focused on that everything was going to fall into place. I was only half right. Because of my father, I greatly distrusted people, I had a hard time making friends, and would always be out of equilibrium worried, stressed about what my father would do to me. This also probably caused me to further into beta/omega traits as I would always have to wait for others to lead because I was so sheltered I did not know what was expected. I was extremely introverted and had no outlets as my father would not let me hang out with friends outside of school. I did end up making a few, and inevitably I felt as though something was wrong with me because nothing would ever work out socially which kind of ended up being beneficial later on.

Effect of TRP Since coming out of high school, I became free of my father's tyrant rule over my life at university. I am now a sophomore. I made every effort to get out of my comfort zone and eliminate my extreme anxiety, distrust, and awkwardness from day 1 of college. It was of some use but at the beginning of my second year, my friend showed me TRP which catapulted me forwards. It motivated me to adopt and integrate alpha traits into my personality. It allowed me to build a new code for myself and discover my passions and pursue them. And as I did I found I did not give a shit what other people thought of me anymore. I work out 2-3 times a week and it shows, I've joined a fraternity, and several other organizations and I hold an exec position in one now. I've hooked up with girls for the first time in my life, last time a couple weeks ago with a HB6 blonde chick. I kept with my dosage daily for the last few months but now its kinda lost its lustre and my dedication is starting to waver.

Why TRP is losing its appeal.. Its kinda getting me down that its all a game and now that I truly see the world for what it is this is disappointing, my Beta always wanted an ideal relationship with the perfect girl and because you must assume AWALT, this will never happen, nor is it even possible. I've considered reverting back to blue pill because at least I can live blissfully believing in the ideal but I do know that I am very wrong to think that. I will be fucked if I do. Blue pill will not get me what I want, and I can only keep taking the red pill to continue. Red pill has kind of deadened me inside. I want to know what I can do to stay motivated. What can I do if I want a nice LTR? The desire for ideal love is causing a cognitive dissonance that is starting to rip me apart. HELP?? What do I do, what can I read????!!

This is my first post. And I'm still learning how the community works. maybe I've missed something.