I am 28 years old right now, I have 1 kid and I am divorced. I am new to reddit and TRP however I've been reading manosphere blogs for sometime. Now for the back story. When I was 18 I joined the Marines (just like my father and grandfather), graduated basic and came back home for 9 months before my AIT started. During that time I hooked up with an old high school girlfriend a few times. I left for AIT and when I came back she told me she was 8 months pregnant. So at the insistence of my very religious parents I married her. So now at the ripe age of 19, I'm still a little boy, but now I have to raise a boy to be a man and try to be a good husband when I have no idea who or what I am.

All through high school I was a great student, a good athlete, pretty popular and I even somehow got laid a few times. I was pretty outgoing, had lots of guy friends however i was pretty shy around girls and didn't try hard enough with them due to fear. I would even avoid girl cashers and bank tellers and wait in longer lines just to avoid talking to them. I had some blind luck with girls but that was it. I was your average cocky teenage boy. While i will be the first to admit high school was not a total success i didnt bomb either. But none of that prepared me for marriage, fatherhood or war.

The first 6 months of marriage were fine I guess; we lived on base, no big fights, taking care of my son was pretty easy, I thought I was an ideal father, husband, soldier and man in general. Then I was deployed to Afghanistan. I spent 14 months in combat. This changed everything. I won't go into detail but lets just say I become more of a man. When I come back home my wife is fat, angry, not sexual, and just a plain bitch. All of this leads me to believe that she cheated on me regularly but i have no proof. I am pissed off that she let herself go so fast and I don't know what happened to.the girl I knew in high school. I also find out how she had been spending my money and honestly this was the biggest piss off. I was putting my life on the line, kicking in doors, getting shot at, living in hot tents, sweating all the time, and doing things most men never experience. I had nothing to do, nothing to look at and I was surrounded by nothing but testerone, diesel and sand. She on the other hand lived a wonderful life. She stayed at home and didn't work. All I asked of her was to take care of the house and my son. But instead she hired a maid, had ALL of their clothes dry cleaned (I couldn't BELIEVE that), ate out all the time, and got fat wasting my money.

I on the other hand ate well, worked out, took care of my body, developed a better sense of self and became more confident in general. So when I get home I am furious. I don't find her attractive anymore so i don't want to fuck her but even when I am down to fuck, she says no. So naturally I decide to make a change. I go out quite a bit and eventually I cheat on her. Honestly it was EASY! I've never had so much success with women. They throw themselves at me. I look better than I ever had and I think that was the biggest difference. I can also talk to them without getting real nervous, I have lots of stories to share and honestly I just don't give a damn about anything. I guess when you are used to dodging bullets approaching a girl is nothing. Anyway my wife finds out, she leaves me and takes my son with her.

Over the next 8 months the divorce is brutal. My ex wife gets everything. In the judge's mind, I cheated, I'm the asshole (nevermind what she did and wouldn't do for me) so she gets almost my whole paycheck. While i was overseas I was making combat pay. When I come back i am not. BUT, the judge goes off my last year's income when I made bank so she gets everything...

This was an interesting point in my life. I felt like i had hit rock bottom. I regressed inside. I could not control my sexual urges (i felt like a failure because of this), my wife left me, my son was gone, my parents would not talk to me and all in all my life was in shambles (or so i thought). So i decide to go "all in". Fuck it, my life can't get much worse right? I was working on base all day but I went out every night. I met awesome people, I have more success with girls and I have a blast. I would go out, find the hottest girl in the room, tell her she had an amazing body and ask if she was a stripper. She would laugh we would dance all night. I would grab her arm drag her around the bar, throw her against the wall and make out with her. I'd take her some and fuck her. I remember telling women "shut up, you are annoying me" and they would apologize and start sucking my cock. I used that line several times because it worked! In the car ride home they are on the phone telling their friends they have a ride home. "Shut up and get off the phone, you are annoying me!". Road head... win!

My next deployment was rough. My vehicle gets hit and I'm wounded. I spend 6 months in physical therapy and it is not good. My best friend wasn't so lucky. I go into a deep depression and life sucks again.

When I get back state side I renegotiate my contract with the Army this time and I am able to pick my MOS. I am sent to sniper school at for Benning, then SERE at Fort Rucker and finally Gordon for my MOS. I am immediately deployed again for 2 more years before I return home.

When I get home I spend a lot of time with my son. We have a great relationship and he is amazing. My ex is honestly more chill and we have a better relationship. I am a trained, confident, single guy again. I have a better relationship with my parents and life is good. I live in Florida mostly and travel a lot training people. I get to fly my son out every 3 months and he is amazing. I am outgoing, funny, i make good money as a civilian contactor, I'm a smart and driven person. In all my social circles I know I am the leader of the group. "How do you know you are the leader?" fuck you I just know. People seek my approval and I love it. I am able to talk to women and sleep with them for the most part. But really only if I don't care about them. If the end goal is a few fucks then it is easy and I don't have issues talking to the slutty ones. But my problem comes when I have a RELATIONSHIP with women. I tend to get stomped on. I get used up and I see it happening but I'm somehow unable to stop it. I'm not sure why I'm able to have great relationships with my guy friends and girls i have no interest in sleeping with/dating. Even my female superiors I have a great relationship with. But relationships with women I want to date are so awful. Maybe because I can kick the shit out of most guys i meet so I'm not intimidated by guys at all? Maybe the women I dont care about I see in a different light than women I actually like?

I know it may sound arrogant but i am awesome at everything I try. I always have been. But I can't maintain a healthy long term relationship and THAT PISSES ME OFF! I'm usually so much better at things and it irritates me. Why can't I make a REAL relationship work... I have lots to learn and I'm only beginning to learn the female mind but I'm tired of sleeping around. I don't want to be 50 with no one. I don't want to be a bachelor for ever. I want to find a great woman and settle down. I want to wake up next to a woman I respect instead of a slut I just fucked in the ass for 3 hours the night before. I've had some good ones but i fucked it up.

My questions are how do you maintain this mindset with women you start to care about and date for a long period of time?

When if ever do you tell a girl you love her? Can I ever love someone and should I ever make myself vulnerable again?

How do I make the next step/what is the next step to achieve my goal of a sustainable long term relationship with a woman?

Is it even possible or am I chasing a dream? I don't want to be a bachelor forever. I want a wife and more kids. I don't want to settle for a bachelor life but I don't want to settle for a relationship I don't want either.

I wrote this on my phone because my dog jumped on my laptop on my bed and broke it so I sincerely apologize for the crude format.

Thanks a lot guys.