I've been applying TRP to my life now for about 8-ish months. As it usually happens, this was all instigated by a break-up with my longtime unicorn LTR oneitis.

In my attempts to get a grip on my manhood, move on from my disgusting affliction, and feel good about myself:

  • I've been lifting (dropped a good amount of weight and got toned, but still not at my ideal BF%)

  • I worked a physical labour job for two months over the summer. This was an interesting experience; working with Blue-collar rough-edge people was eye opening. I'm from academia, and the no-bullshit RP-esque approaches they have to life was refreshing. You have to pull your shit together and be tough to get by in a scene like that as well.

  • To overcome my beta overly-emotional fuckery, I took a 10-day Vipassana meditation course. One of the most valuable experiences of my life (I highly recommend it to everyone, it's free). I practice this technique of meditation every day if I still can (I still have my slips and miss days here and there - I'm still working on my self-discipline.)

  • I made friends with two other TRP guys who live in a nearby large city. One of them is easily the most RP guy I know; financially very successful and very focused on game. Every time I go and visit we go out and practice our game. I was so fucking shitty at the beginning....first night I couldn't even say a word to a girl. By now my game is still pretty shit, but many orders of magnitudes better than before.

  • I have started my Master's in STEM at a good university. I got myself a good scholarship and an amazing supervisor. Career-wise, I feel quite directed for now.

I'm pretty proud of what I've accomplished. I'm proud of the degree to which I've been following through with TRP advice (online and in the TRP-recommended books I've read).

Anyways....

This past weekend was my 24th birthday. I went out with the aforementioned TRP friends, and for the first time ever...made out with a girl in a club. The very next night, I went out (for the first time without them) and made out with yet another girl. I didn't fuck either of them, but I was really feeling good about myself; I have never remotely in my life pulled off something like that. I used to be so bad with women, I literally would think I could never have a weekend where I would make out with TWO different girls.

As it was my birthday, I ended up receiving a text from my old oneitis wishing me a very long-winded happy birthday message. I hadn't heard from her in months...in fact, last time I did hear from her she was moving a 6-hour flight away and wanted to return my old possessions.

So I took a couple days, and responded today. Very nonchalant, saying thanks and that I hope she's doing well in her new country. Like a 20-character text, that's it. I have been quite good about not being too detailed in any communication with her. In responding to her, my intention was to let her go and not instigate a further conversation.

About thirty minutes later I get another response...."how is my new school going?" "This and that about her new city and new job." "Hope it's alright that she's responding to me, and that she doesn't know how her response will be received since I took a while to respond to her..."

Haven't said anything yet to her.....Kind of feeling like if I say nothing I'm going to get smashed with some more texts. She's a hothead, so they will be more aggressive. Part of me is afraid of completely burning the bridge with her....and for fuck's sake; that means I still care what she thinks, and am not cured of my fixation with her.

I've been feeling so upset this evening for this reason. I do not exaggerate when I say that I haven't felt so upset in months. Last time I felt the need to post here was months ago...My mind starts wandering to "does she want me back?" then flip-flopping to "absolutely not".

She's living in some kind of small city (10,000 people or so) so I have the feeling she is just bored as fuck and has too much time to think. But goddamn if this isn't fucking me up.

Already I can tell it was a probably a fuck up to respond to her at all...I feel like I've opened Pandora's box. Can someone help me out here?

So my questions are:

Is this normal? The level of relapse I've been experiencing is fucking frightening. All in one evening. I was a really, really, really huge BB to her back in our relationship (lasted 6 years). The realization of this has been my fuel to change in the past months.

What do I do? I want to respond without emotion just to get her off my case. Just get her to stop texting me, but without completely destroying the possibility of far-future communication with her (this latter point is killing me). I hate it, but I still care what she thinks about me. To be totally honest, even before this communication she still popped into my head more often than I would like to admit.

Why am I not more angry? I know people that would text her angrily to leave them the fuck alone. I don't like that I am so fucking timid in my reaction to all this.

How do I continue?

I feel like I have an inkling about what the TRP answers are going to be like.....but I am really feeling alone and fucked up right now. There's no other group of people who's advice I trust more.

Really disappointed to be feeling this way....I thought I was further along than this....don't even feel like reaching out to my RP friends, just because of how ashamed I am of this.

Thanks in advance.