Some background:

so guys heres the deal, I was a social incel for my teen years, never made any new friends besides my inner 'squad', never went to parties and I was the perfect beta, thinking since im ugly I wont get any pussy but I will eventually find the perfect girl when im 30 or something. Until then, money only please.

2 years ago I was tired of being a virgin and having no fun, I found TRP, learned how to socialize and how life really worked. I lost my fat, now im skinny average, getting some gainz in.

I joined a college, got my first parties and social events in my pocket, and got my first female interactions. I was awful at them. First weeks in college I had a 6/10 in my bed, I didnt make a move and she lost interest. I was devastated.

It was like my life from finding TRP to that moment was a upwards arrow, then I crashed into a wall. I felt like all my improvment was meant for that moment to lose my virginity and I fucked it up.

From that day until around 2 months ago (a year or so) I was in a kinda depressed state. I never failed before in life. I was sick? Always got better. I never got stitches, never broke anything in my body, I was always being called the smart guy, I never studied in school and got good grades, I was living in a dream of fantasy created by my protective parents. I grew up thinking I was special and meant to never fail.

By not failing, I never understood how pain is essential to learn. When I got in the gym for the first time I was half assing workouts cause it hurt and I never got pain like that before. Basically, I was raised a pussy and so I was a pussy.

I was and still am afraid to get out of my comfort zone. From that point to now, I improved a lot. I know how to socialize, how to make friends, how to keep friends, how to make a party good, how to be funny, how to greet people properly, how to know when a girl is interested, how to make a girl chase you, etc, etc.

The problem, kinda:

Thanks to TRP I learned a lot. But, the one thing im having trouble is basically closing. Sort of at least.

From that failed easy lay girl above I never approached any girls, never made any action, never went in on IOIs, never did shit. I stopped the gym, stopped giving a damn about myself and got kinda depressed.

A few months ago I made a 'fuck it' step and approached a chick in my classes. Since I am still a virgin at 21 I fell for her, but always applied TRP. She was chasing me, she got into my room 3 times for easy lays. I pussied out every single one of them.

I was open with this with my friends and they tried to help me out and still do, its good to have a backbone of trustworthy people you can talk about this shit to, its like therapy. But even with them helping me out I could not do it.

She ignored me, I backed of as per TRP regards. Its been aprox 2 months since she ignored my last text. We had a perfect connection and vibed well, she was down hard for me and I rejected her. She closed herself to me to prevent herself from getting hurt and because she found my true pussy self.

I know its not all lost, TRP teaches that its either black or its white but its actually a grey area, I know I can get her and there is nothing wrong with that.

But the problem lays down to this: I tried so hard that i've reached a dead end. I dont know what to do.

Some days I wake up, im confident af, im the alpha dude. I want chicks left and right, so I get to my gym routine, beat my personal records, go eat my healthy meals, go study listen to some music and sleep early.

Other days I wake up, depressed af, thinking about this last girl I fucked up, how things could be so diferent. How could I already be not virgin and how my life would be diferent. And I dont do shit, stay in bed all day, not even eat, and then just want to kill my self.

Other days I wake up, I read a self improvment book, I get the rush of learning new things, I push myself to go to the gym, I come out I sleep, I wake up I dont remember shit from that book I feel depressed again.

Other days I am with my college bros, they got girlfriends, I see chicks on instagram with their dudes, I get sad. I then remember I am a man, and life is not fair, so I try to man up but its all an act, im actually broken inside.

What to do, is the real question. But I know what I need to do. I need to approach girls, even tho im a virgin I know how to socialize, I got loads of friends, I read sex god left and right and know how to handle a sex situation (to a theory extent obviously), I know how to handle a girls interest and how to raise it or hold it, I know all the theory that needs to be known plus useless extras.

Im missing the practical side, to glue it together. Since I only got the theory up, I need the glue to set it together. I got a brick house without cement to hold the bricks together.

Since I dont have any practise, my brain questions this theory because its not giving up any results so this is where the 'sadness' and 'depression' is comming from.

What I feel like I need to do is just push through this emotions, keep doing the gym and healthy eating, keep going to parties and socializing in the college vibe, keep studying for my degree BUT set the extra effor to start talking to girls. Just this. Make random conversations with random girls. Waiting for the pedestrian traffic light to go green? Talk to that girl, compliment her and make her day. Then eventually start making conversations and getting numbers. Then turn the numbers into dates.

So as you see, this is my plan. I got it all in theory I just need to start doing it. But its been almost half a year since I got this all ready up and just waiting for my action. But I cant seem to start it... I always was a lazy fuck and even at fixing my life im being a lazy fuck.

Someone slap me in the face and help me get the glue I need and start getting my lazy ass to approach this girls. They are desperate for someone who knows how they work to show up, they are tired of this scrawny ass looking motherfuckers on campus treating them like princesses, they want emotion, they want someone to stir her life up. They are dying to meet someone like that. I even though got a lot of practise to do, just know this theory will already be more than enough for this chicks. They show me IOIs cause their inner self is showing curiosity about me, and I want to bring their inner self out in my bed, to squirt it out for me. But they dont know that I know. I need to show them that I understand them and that they can join my world of fun.

To end it all_ But im having trouble actually starting the engine. I built the engine up from zero, I followed TRP's intruction manual, I just need to crank it to start and then it will run by itself. I got the crank ready to be spun and start the engine, I rotated it twice but I had forgot that the engine when manually cranked needs 3 pulls, but instead of just rotating it again im wondering where I failed and tearing the engine up and building it up again but always ending with the same thing because there is nothing wrong. The theory is there, I just need to start practising and stop typing diary entries here. Thank you all for just existing, if you read this thank you, TRP saved my life, and I am forever thankful to it and the people of it.