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For pretty much my whole childhood I internalized the idea that I was ugly as shit. In elementary school I dealed with weight problems and thought no one would ever like me because of my chubbiness, and from then on it just compounded and really fucked up my self worth throughout most of my crucial development periods. I stopped eating as much and got skinny, but then I just moved on to thinking i was facially hideous. I would develop extreme dysmorphia about different features throughout my upbringing that no rationalization could overcome, developing one after another, so that even THINKING about getting girls was out of the picture for pretty much my whole life. Damn near became an incel because of how much I hated myself and I thought I would die alone.

Now I'm at a point where I've made a lot of progress I'm in my first year of college and I've been lifting, staying healthy, skincare, whatever I could do to make myself more attractive. I know that at this point in my life I'm at least somewhat attractive because I've had attractive girls directly state their interest in me, which even lead to my first time doing anything sexual with a pretty cute girl a few months ago.

The problem is I feel since like the self-hatred manifested deeply in me at a very early point in my development that it will plague me forever. I can't even make the most slight advances towards girls unless I am seriously fucked up on drugs or alcohol. The anxiety from thinking im too ugly to make a move just paralyzes me and reinforces my deep fear that I'm unwanted. I rationally know that even if im not super attractive that theres still plenty of girls whod be interested in me, but it doesn't matter to my brains instinctual reactions. The voice in my head keeps telling me that no matter how much I improve my physique or social skills, there are too many naturally good looking guys for me to be anything but disgusting to most girls. It doesn't help that I see some of my naturally facially attractive friends have tons of attention from girls even though they take almost no initiative. You guys will tell me that frame matters the most, and I want to believe that, but I've seen the most sheepish and unassertive guys get laid often because they have a good face. It seems to contradict the red pill entirely.

I know that I'm not the most attractive, so I have to be confident and unafraid of pursuing women if I ever want to have a regular sex life. But my deep insecurities paralyze me. Its like something deep in my brain fears the risk of being rejected or told I'm ugly like I was as a child almost as much as death. Its like a self assuring cycle. How do I break it?