I posted my story a little while back.

TL;DR of previous story: Almost three year LTR punctuated by two brief break-ups and it eventually turned long-distance. I've always been serious beta and was a fat loser. Then I straightened some health issues, hit the gym, and I'm still going at it.

The process of swallowing the red pill has obviously had a serious impact on our relationship, which I fully expected since I've always been the poster-child white knight/beta/average frustrated chump. I've read a lot of the sidebar material on TRP; I've also read No More Mr. Nice Guy and I'm part-way through The Rational Male. Everything was actually going surprisingly well (or so I thought), then suddenly, out of nowhere, she blindsides me and breaks up with me.

Here's my problem: I'm 27. I was raised by my mom and grandmother; they were always there with their feminine ways... always in my business. I've always been extremely beta and frustrated, as I said.

Now: I previously determined that I will not talk her into taking me back again (or vice-versa). That's what got me in this shit-hole the first two times. I'm doing everything I can to distract myself and be strong, but I'm starting to feel feeble. I keep telling myself that I absolutely will not go back to her, and I think I can manage that.

But holy fucking hell, it's hard to stop being a little beta bitch. I keep (mentally) trying to weasel my way out of the notion with all of the thoughts of "love" and the "bond" and the "connection" that I really felt with her. I still cling to the notion that had our relationship not been long-distance, it would have likely worked out in the end.

I distract myself as much as possible. School starts in two weeks and I've never been in such a hurry to start school in my entire damn life. I go to the gym daily with a friend (or by myself because he's one of those "the diet starts on Monday" pussies, but at least we go sometimes). I play video games occasionally when friends are playing. I read, I go to the pool at my apartments, I cook and clean, I do volunteer work with animals. I only work weekends (since I'm a student) but I've been taking every extra open shift I can. I'm also fighting my extreme approach and social anxiety. I'm talking to more people: at work, in stores, in the elevators. I think I'm making progress. When it's all said and done, though, I'm still taking an Ativan almost every night to settle me enough to sleep.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking for, here (since this is AskTRP, after all). I guess I really just needed an outlet for this. I'm not looking for validation, really. I'm looking for constructive criticism, suggestions for continuing the climb out of my shit-hole, and just some general encouragement.

Like many other betas, I grew up learning to believe in Disney "happily-ever-after" "true" love. Now I'm pretty sure that's bullshit, but changing a base ideology is extremely challenging. The mere thought that perhaps the love we had was a real, true thing and that I might not experience love like that again is just maddening.

I hope this is the hard part and I'm getting it out of the way now--the unplugging. (I just watched the Matrix movies again.) I won't apologize for this messy story. After all, Neo spewed his contents several times after being unplugged.

Thanks guys.