To start off with, I am sorry for my English(foreigner here) and that this text includes a link, it is just graph to make me better understood.

But anyway here comes the post….

I don’t know why I am doing this now. But to be honest I think this just might be the last question that exist inside of me, I don’t think there is another side that will be reviled when getting that answer that gives me that feeling of adrenaline and happiness that I have felt so many times before when figuring out some social perspective or theory. But if it does, and something changes in the end I think it is worthy of a try.

If I get an answer that gives me the feeling and end result that I am looking for. Who knows what will happen. I was told a couple of years ago that it is impossible to self-die. But maybe that is the point to life. To consume understanding and feeling appreciation for everything until there is nothing left. And that just turns of a switch. Might a fantastic experience.

Background.

I have had a great life. Growing up in the safest of families, did some minor stuff as a kid that got me arrested. But it was connected with boredom and a will to be some type of youth bad-ass that was the origin to it. Not really anything else, took an exchange year to the US when I was 17 (I am from Sweden) Exploring the world. Was supplied with some global perspective, which would come in handy for the following couple of years.

It turned out that perspective, and the eager hunt for seeing things from different angels would be what brought me down in the end. (Yes this is a question on how to get back up)

History.

Was in general “lucky” with the ladies, but now I just see that as “I was lucky with my interests” since I don’t really believe people have skills, from birth. They just got interest and view things in an angel that works with social patterns of the group they are spending time with. Having the opportunity to put words on atmosphere (Making emotional thought cognitive, etc etc).

Anyway, life went on. “I met fantastic people” is what I would have said. Now I would go with, I met a lot of people that was very satisfied with my line of though. Them giving me feedback with laughter and sex, included me in things that I saw that a lot of people was excluded from and jealous for not being allowed to take part in was something I enjoyed.

It feels funny to write this down. But I never “tried” to sleep with any of the girls I slept with. I was always picked by the women. I just wanted to feel like I was everything to someone. And if they were ugly of fantastic looking was never part of the hunt, they could just as well have been numbers. The only hunting that went on was that of appreciation. And I got it. Loads of it (when I compared myself with surrounding people).

The change.

So I moved to Norway, after that straight to university. My third year included an exchange semester. After some consulting with friends we ended up going to Netherland. I never did much “street pharmaceuticals’”. Felt like a little weed and MDMA could put some additional perspective to things.

Anyway, so in an attempt to “understand everything” I started writing. I started on my phone. Writing down theories that would explain how humans worked. How we are all connected.

This escalated to note books, I would fill notebooks in a few days, with graphs and different types of explaining images. That I would discuss with my friends. They did not replay with many theories themselves but. After a while I would stand at pre-parties in front of a little white-board that we had in our kitchen and do long lectures of my finding of how everything worked. This was also my peek when it came to sleeping with beautiful women. So my social awareness was beyond what I thought it ever would be. But now (once again) thinking back. I was just a guy telling stories about things, and people was interested because I was convincing, great at reasoning and this mad women see me as someone with social and general value.

In the end I could be awake for days, believing that I got close and closer to an understanding of “everything”. Not knowing that I obvious started this life with only one question to solve, and after solving it being left with little to nothing.

There was no real answer to the question. I just started looking at everything from every perspective. In a way that makes you feel ok with both people having sex with you and people punching you. And when you understand why someone is sleeping with you, there is no real euphoria to it anymore. Not knowing why someone does something to you do in general contribute to an emotion response. But knowing (maybe not on a cognitive level, but on some level that makes you accept every way of behaving) make me feel nothing, I attached a simple picture explaining how this works from my perspective. (http://imgur.com/ULOp3Ki)

Post mortem. This was three years ago. I now live in London. I don’t really have an urge to do anything, but also never have an urge to do nothing. I have become quite asexual (I know some people consider this a type of sexual orientation by now, put please ignore my ignorance. Can’t find the correct term) since there is no excitement in it anymore, I still sleep with some random people. But that I mainly because of my now extreme lack of social interest and not really talking anymore. It still to some degree makes me feel a little of that emotional stuff. Like “why in the world are you trying to sleep with me. I am listening to my answers to your questions and I could make hand held calculator bored with my response” I think it is similar to when people read about terrorism and they are wondering “Why would anyone do this?!”. That is what I am feeling for the girls that tries to sleep with me. Which makes it possible for me to sleep with them.

The end.

I am basically trying to get back to being interested in people/women. But everything I find something this will make me well-spoken and clear headed for a short period of time, just to get that piece of info that gives me the answer, I walk though it in my mind until I realize that I had the answer all along, whatever it might be. Just that I did not remembered it in the start for some reason. And go back to where I started.

I am also realized that I have suffered huge memory loses since “The change” since there is no real emotion that I can attach the memory with. Which I think is vital. Try learning anything without interest, and since nothing is really interesting or not interesting leaves me with little to nothing. I was for this reason also forced to take a job that is solely based on logic. But I got a job working with display advertising, meaning that I don’t need to remember anything. I can just be logical, and the thing that I should have in my memory is saved in some excel sheet that always is open.

The answer I am looking for.

Basically, have anyone experience this, and have they come to some conclusion, is there another side. Or will I do my job, maybe work with something else after a while and sleep with people I am just amazed by because I think they are close to little or non-reasonable at all. I just think life would feel a little too apathetic for my taste.

Maybe someone knows of some sort of therapy or maybe I should save up some money and do ayahuasca trips once a year for the rest of my life to find some more reliable reason to talk to people.

Anyway, any thought would be appreciated. I might miss interpret something someone writes to something that I really really like. So please go ahead. Theorize the shit out of any solution you might think I find useful. Would be really appreciated.

Best regards, NN