Hi Guys

So I understand that I'm about to get massively flamed, as this is basically a what not to do behavior list...but I need some kind of input. It's long..so bear with me.

Background

Been dating ever since I was 15. Always had a love of women, so much so that they have been the sole source of motivation for a lot of things in my life. Guilty of all the traits that can make a man less of a man - needy, oneitis with whomever current relationship was with, putting girls on pedestals, making them my sole source of happiness etc..

When one relationship ended, I had another long term relationship days later. Rinse and repeat. I had been in constant relationships with a week or so break in between from 15 to 27, I never actually found my identity. I am 29 now and I broke up with an LTR about two years ago, attempting to find my identity, but peeling the layers away has led to what I feel is a husk of a man, dependent on other for happiness. I want this to change. I initially hit the gym hard, took up meditation, learnt the guitar, started reading more frequently and started eating right. This waned as time wore on.

The Situation

About a year after I broke up with the LTR:

One. Met up with a person roughly 15 years my senior(44), made it clear it was a no strings attached situation. Met up every Friday and introduced to to one of the few friends I am close to. All was fine until she wanted girlfriend type interactions with me, wanted me to kiss her, hold her hand etc.. After about 10 months I decided the effort in doing that solely to please her was not worth the physical fulfillment. Fast forward 3 months, we haven't been intimate at all and I don't desire her anymore although we still talk once every few days. I meet up with my friend twice weekly (the only friend I meet up with)

She randomly makes a comment about wanting to learn more about my friend a few weeks ago..which I find strange. A few days ago she messages me and tells me that she will be meeting up with him and I am not invited...this kind of hurt...and I'm not sure why. She explained that she was looking for something more then no strings attached as she developed feelings for me, but now she has decided that she cant have no strings attached anymore due to her feelings for me so she is trying "no strings attached" with someone that she doesn't have feelings for (my friend).

I felt a little betrayed by my friend, but I did make it clear to him that nothing physical was going on between us anymore, so i feel I don't have a right to feel betrayed. In regards to her, I felt like it was a smack in the face, I felt sickened, hurt, and the thought of them together makes me feel sick...BUT...I have NO right to feel this way. I'm clearly bored with her physically, don't meet her more then once every two weeks now and have never and will never have a relationship with her....but I still feel so shitty about the whole thing.

The things that gets me is that I seem to have this, " I don't want her, I don't mind if anyone else has her, but does it have to be one of the few friends I have" mentality which is quite frankly childish and disgusting. I know this, I can logically understand all this, but it still hurts to think about them together. WTF #1?

Two. After I stopped being intimate with the person above, I met another girl, 6 years my junior (23). She was all over me, seemed needy, attached, needed constant validation. I of course was turned of at first, but her willingness to please meant the sex was amazing. I started getting used to her needy subservient attitude, me always the one able to hang up, the one with the least invested, the one with the most power.

She went to Europe for a holiday and came back a different person...not nearly as subservient and not willing to play mind games anymore (which I was quite impressed by). When we spoke before the trip, and if I were to get annoyed during our convo, and say bye, she'd do everything to not let me leave or to call back immediately. Now when I say "bye", she says "okay bye" and leaves. No mind games, no back and forth, always calling my bluff... Basically the way people should be...which is great but because I settled into whom she was before, I feel lost, her not playing the game (the emotional needy game it would seem). I'm not saying this is a bad thing..the bad thing is that this shift in her persona has made me realize that I am acting like a needy and insecure child... WTF #2?

I went through some bad shit last Friday, and needed someone to talk to last night. I usually never ever talk to others about the stuff I'm going through and due to my long string of uninterrupted relationships, I don't have many close guy friends to speak to. After calling her and a back and forth she hung up after a few min as she had to go as she was busy. I messaged her telling her that I actually wanted to tell her about something, speak to her to get some stuff of my chest and say goodnight. No response.... It hurt that I needed her..a shoulder to cry on...yet she wasn't there. Her being so empathetic to my needs before she left has made me expect this, and now when I get the opposite it hurts.

This is driving me crazy as well..however I know it shouldn't, I have turned into the invested needy one, and I hate having the feeling of wanting to call her back when she hangs up or doesn't respond to my messages...once again...this reads like the life story of a needy 13 year old who has just stepped into the world of women...WTF #3?

My questions:

  • Why am I acting this way? When I know that being this way is in direct opposition to my goals and the person I want to be. Taking care of yourself and raising your self esteem by working out, dressing well, building your own lifestyle apart from woman, maintaining frame, not being a victim to the issues in life and working towards goals is the way to both be the best of yourself you can be.

  • I can clearly see that in the first case I'm being selfish, needy and insecure. "Why isn't she choosing him over me even though I have absolutely no interest in her anymore"

  • In the second case it is just plain school yard drama. Once again it reeks of insecurity, mind games, neediness...even typing this out and reading this makes me sick.

My plan so far is to go back to what I used to do post LTR relationship - hit the gym, sort out my diet, replace my morning commute with reading, start meditating and developing healthier habits and ways of thinking. Any other advice and what is making me such a needy insecure asshole that even I would not want to be around?

TLDR; 2 situations in which I am reacting in a way I shouldn't but cant help myself. I would like a psychoanalysis of some kind as to why I am acting so needy and insecure about the girls I currently interact with when I know exactly the types of behaviors that are destructive and unattractive and those which are not.