Im constantly angry inside with my dad and I dont know how to get over it and look at the positives.

Im 19 almost 20, and for 17 years my father was absent from my life. He basically abandoned me, I didnt see him except maybe 2-3 times, was not supported economically, and never got any emotional guidance. He says it was because hes poor..but I think it was more inconvenience..he later admitted it and said he made the mistake of not realizing I was so young

Now I, at 18 in college, found myself empty and was not sure what it was. I was depressed, couldnt get laid and just felt inferior/inadequate...Found TRP and credited it from my possible father absense. I sent him a heartfelt message and begged to stay with him for a little(6 months). He miraculously found a great job as a businessman and could afford bringing me over.

Now its been 3 months and idk. He was ok at first but based on what mom said about him and the little times I saw him, I always considered him a solid RP guy.

Basically he is always in a pissy mood..Always cussing. We never do anything. I have to always act around him, smile, talk, be extremely organized, and he doesnt trust me for any reason. His gf lied to him about something I did, which wasnt even bad, and before I proved him wrong he was ready to leave me and basically disown me, said I an arrogant piece of shit and a liar..later when I proved him wrong he basically said..." oops..my bad"

Its so much that I have inside I cant put it into words, I probably should go see a psychologist but when I mentioned it to him as just something that I want to do, without hinting anything of this, he said only crazy people need it and doesnt want me to do it.

I think what really pisses me off however is he had 2 stepkids from his cunt of a gf and he lived with them for 5 years. Though he wasnt making much money...EVERYTHING he made, he gave it back to them and his gf...He studied to tutor them in their classes, he took them to their hobbies, he supported their choices.. and now he says he "doesnt want to have anything to do with them"..with me after 2-3months he is ready to disown me because of "she said, he said"

Again there is so much more to this..so much more..but I have no clue how to express all of it. My best bet is a psychologist but idk how to get one as I am out of the country and cant make my own appointments and such