A girl indicated that she'd be popping the what-are-we question soon, so I told her that we could deal with it when we saw each other in a few days.

On my last date with this girl, we made out, but I didn't feel much, so I thought to myself that this girl isn't right for me. It's the girl who reached out after I went no-contact.

I had no complaints about this girl other than the lack of feelz.

The next day, I think to myself, I want to keep playing, so an LTR will only get in the way. I guess this girl's done for.

Then I was struck by hours and hours of stress. Thinking noble things like "it's merciful to end it now if she doesn't have a chance". I just couldn't focus.

Finally I broke, told her I wasn't looking for a relationship, and she OK'd it.

Immediately the stress disappeared and was replaced with shame:

  • why didn't I just wait and see if I could use her?
  • why didn't I just wait and see if I'd like her anyway? (though I've been in relationships where this didn't happen)
  • why did I throw away something that could have turned out OK?
  • why did I choose to be alone?

But really the largest thing for me is

  • why did I break frame to be a nice guy?

I've really beaten myself up...