How do I get out of my own head?

Fortunately I discovered trp about a year ago, and have been trying to improve myself over the the course. No success with the women at all thus far, which has been a bit of a downer, even I understand women don't matter that much, but I have trouble internalising it.

I'm lost atm, with no mission and trp making me realising everything I have been taught about the world coming up as a lie.

I'm sitting here on another weekend at home alone. I have no friends in my town, and don't know how to make any here or even online. Over the course of the last year I have gone out to the local bars, didn't make any friends, just ended up most weekends with a hangover. Then I worked at a holiday resort the last summer, being the most jacked guy there, no friends, or pussy.

But, I lift consistently, I now pump the heaviest dumbells at the local gym (42.5kg), cold showers, dress well. I'm almost always on this sub. I have a part time job in security. I'm 20 years old, with no health issues other than my own head. I was in the army. I'm built, have a roof over my head, stable family, yet I contemplate suicide at least once a week, attempted it seriously once, and I don't feel regret. Also trouble with focusing on the moment and not feeling reality. I'm my own worst enemy. Talking to a therapist doesen't seem to help, and I've quite meds since they just zombify me.

So its either I have an epiphany on how to be happy with myself, my life, and my past, or I end it once and for all. Since the latter option would hurt my family, I would prefer the former.

I think I used to feel alive, when I was younger, but being miserable has distorted my memory of it and ability to live in the moment.

Sorry if this a load of garbage, I just need to rant/vent, talk to like minded people, since trp mentality is all I can relate to atm. Everything is just so fucked up after the pill. Nothing makes sense, yet it does. Is this cognitive dissonance? The anger/depressing phase? I'm not sure I can survive it.