3 months after getting caught, wife confesses full truth, and it burns.

67 points•64 comments•submitted by aaron_gx to r/survivinginfidelity

I posted in /r/infidelity a few weeks back, because i was having trouble moving on from the initial discovery, lack of trust, and knowledge that she wasn't being truthful about the whole thing. I'm still seething with anger, sadness, and betrayal. Here is my original post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/8y6qcj/is_it_normal_to_lash_out_25_months_after_walking/

Forewarning, I apologize for completely derogatorily referring to the other man as "douchebag" from here on out. It's really the only way i can vent, besides this post. I am unable/unwilling to talk to family or friends about this astronomically embarrassing event. I am going to a psychologist currently, but she is in vacation for close to a month (cue What about Bob? - great movie.)

The worst feeling in the world is having to doubt something you thought was unquestionable.

Just over 3 months ago i walked into a room in my house, to my wife making out heavily with douchebag, arms and legs locked around him. Startled, he fell flat on his face, she started smiling briefly. Instantly my heart shattered. My unconditional trust instantly erased. My life was a lie. This girl doesn't love me - it was fake!!! 18 years and 2 kids... Flush. Just bought our first house. Great timing. I think I'm a respectful, gentle, loyal provider, and truly believe I treat her like gold. I know I'm not perfect, but i try hard. I'm easy to get along with. I can get loud i can say hurtful things. Enough about me.

I left, consulted divorce lawyer. She maintained that they never had sex. She maintained douchebag turned violent and pulled her hair, started kissing her. She said that was the first time anything had happened. She said if i hadn't come in when i did she would have gotten raped. Bullshit. She was holding him. That douchbag had been talking to me earlier that evening because we had some people over for drinks, him being over if them, and he told me about this smoking hot chick he was fucking, she was so tight. Gave me the A-OK sign with his hands and changed the subject. I just thought he was being a creepy dude, and dismissed it at the time. She had been flirtatious with him all night long, and i noticed it right away. Things and past events just started clicking. This had been going on for a while.

My 12 year old daughter and 7 year old son were devastated that i left. My daughter begged me and pleaded that she didn't want to have 2 houses like a lot of her friends. We had just purchased our first house a month prior. With lawyers recommendation, we did up a "Trial reconciliation". Wife was to get help with alcohol, marriage counseling, Personal counseling. None of these things have been met. She drinks just as much now, and started smoking again.

I've blown up on average 2 times per week at her since I've been back home, because 1)i did't believe her story, and 2) I'm mad she isn't more remorseful, loving, or willing to do what I've asked of her in the reconciliation. I can't keep blowing up on her, it's not fair to me, her or the kids.

So... On the weekend i got the confession i thought i wanted....

After countless fights, me hinting, not letting it go, and a bit of a lie on my part - saying "i spoke to douchebag and he told me everything". She said "why do you need to hear it from me then?" To which i replied "because i need to hear your lips tell me. Not douchebag." She finally told me. She said they had sex 4-5 times (more I'm sure). Another bombshell dropped when she told me it would happen WHEN I WOULD DRIVE HER TO HIS HOUSE AND WAIT FOR HER IN THE CAR. SHE FUCKED THIS GUY WHILE I WAS WAITING 50FT AWAY!!!!!!. **Heart shattered even further* It burned bad, but i asked for it. You might ask why I would drive her to this guy's house at all? To be brutally honest, she would buy weed off douchebag for us, that is why i would drive her there. I thought.

I said "but why" - of course. She said he persistently sent her sexy texts and kept at it. I replied "oh, so if some creepy dude just keeps asking you to fuck him, you'll do it? Is that what you're saying??! Just give out the most sacred thing we have together??!!" She then said, "it wasn't you, i was feeling worthless. Then she hit me with the nuke. She said "I did it because of the way you are, and it'll never change. She said the first offence happened in February, and at that time, we had been really doing great with our relationship. So it didn't make sense, and she gave me no chance, no warning, before tearing my life and family to shreds.

She promised it was always protected. She promised it never happened at our house, in our bed or when i was out of town. JUST WHEN I WAS WAITING OUTSIDE THAT MOTHERFUCKERS HOUSE FOR MY WIFE TO GET FUCKED, AND THEN DRIVE HER HOME AND UNKNOWINGLY HAVE SEX WITH HER HOURS LATER. FUCK!!! HE TOLD ME MY WIFE WAS TIGHT, RIGHT TO MY FACE AND I DIDN'T KNOW IT AT THE TIME!!! It was affecting our sex life terribly in April, to the point where she pushed me off her and started crying once. I had unknowingly been suffering the effects of this affair for months before i caught her. Cue that sick stomach feeling again

I got upset that she told me it was my fault it happened. Asked why she didn't tell me, or give me a chance, or just end it if she didn't want me. She started making many excuses why. Bringing up 10 year old shit. Telling me she was angry for tricking her into the confession. She told me she withheld the truth because she wasn't sure if i wanted her back or not. I did not recognize how that made sense.. She told me i better get my team of lawyers on her and stormed off.

I'm so mad at her and myself. I asked for the truth, and i got it. I think she's trying to make her sins ok with herself. This is not the first bout of infidelity we have had. We have been together since we were 18 years old, 18 years ago. We've been a team for half of our lives. I want to make it work. She wants to make it work. I'm having trouble not thinking about how she fucked me over, it happens 5-10 times daily. She was and still is my first everything. Maybe I'm obsessing. Maybe i have gone crazy. Maybe i have unhealthy/unrealistic views on what marriage and intimacy should be. She says she can't handle the hot/cold i have towards her for the last few months.

I need to get over this trauma, so i can think straight. I want my family back, but i don't want to be a chump. I don't want to be used. I don't want to hurt like this ever again. I want to be able to go to work, and concentrate on work, instead of feeling sorry for myself. I want to play with my kids and do fun things instead of being a depressed crankypants. I'd like to hold my wife's hand without dirty thoughts of her fucking some dude while i wait patiently for her in the car.

Gotta get my mind off this.

TLDR; wife got caught cheating, said it was nothing, tricked her into telling full truth 3 months later. Fucked her weed dealer many times while i waited in the car unknowingly. Weed dealer told me that my wife was tight without me knowing. Wife told me it was my fault. I'm oblivious and a chump.