I may finally have a field report after this one. So here it is.

Been in an LTR for about 15 Months. She found a new job in another city and asked me to move with her. I am at the point of my career to make a switch so agreed on some terms like finding a new job and who has to commute and what not. Last couple weeks have been rocky, to be honest, i got a little drunk and told her some things i shouldn't have. I said i wanted space or to break up and then we just worked through it. No shame, im hesitant about moving. About uprooting my life. About what that means in the long run. I'm also thinking about other women. I don't know if i find her as attractive as i once did. I didn't have that gut feeling like i used to. (Now that this happen, my stomach does her, i've meditated on it, i'm trying to be mindful and really take a step back and look at this.)

More backstory. When i told her some things, one thing in particular was that she seems like she isnt trying anymore and i wont be in a relationship where i come second. Not asking her to change, simply saying she doesnt do the things she once did, i.e shave her legs as much. Dress up. Too content.

She responded with she'll show me how much she loves me. She understands what i'm saying and that i'm right. She has tried real hard after that, a little too hard to be honest.

Yesterday everything seemed great. She's talking about going on a trip soon and asked me to come after graduation. She sat on my lap, kissed me looking for affection and we talked for a moment. She went and hung out with a girlfriend that I regularly see and hangout with as well. She says i love you and leaves.

2 1/2 hours go by and she comes in and says (Roughly) "I need space to think. Im not sure about what i want and i dont think i can figure it out being so close all the time (we have lived together for about 5 months). She said she should have said it but shes afraid. Said that what i said to her about space and what not affected her more than she realized and she needs time to think. Said she doesnt want to feel like she is in trouble with me when she makes a mistake."

I responded with saying a few dumb things, like i dont understand how you changed all of a sudden. I said i don't do space, and does space to you mean that were exclusive which she said yes, "do you want to fuck other girls?" I said i want to know if you are going to fuck other guys. (I believe i shouldn't have even asked, AWALT, were both doing separate things all weekend and will not see each other. Who knows what she will do.) I then told her alright, i've had a great time with you, i love you, and i know we'll be happy at some other time. She went to sleep on the couch (i pay rent, i paid for this bed, i'm sleeping it, she was welcome but she chose not to.), after brushing my teeth we talked for one more moment. She said again she's afraid. I realized im failing a shit test if i continued to talk and said OK, kissed her on the forehead and saying goodnight.

This morning i woke up, got ready, made coffee. Before leaving i said, well this sucks but i hope you have a great day. And kissed her, it wasnt very passionate, and said goodbye. Walked out the door and now im at work.

So analysis. 1: She has found another suitor possibly better than me and is shit testing me to see if im needy or better? 2: She already cheated and is asking for space to make herself feel better. 3: She actually needs space. We live together, are together majority of the time. A lot is changing, career, graduating, moving, what that all means. As well as my recent mishaps towards her. 4: It's a power move, i did it to her and now shes trying to do it to me. Again another shit test.

I have read a lot last night as well as this morning. I know I am going to give her space. I will continue to work on myself and improve. I know this time with her is just my turn and that may come to an end.

Where i'm at head wise. I do love her. I am hurting. I know i'll miss her. I don't know how to express myself without coming off like im begging for her back. I don't enjoy her saying space which means im on one end waiting to see if i'm in a relationship or not. Even if she said something like "I thought about it and i do love you and blah blah i want to be together;" i don't see how it can return to normal. I'm future tripping a bit, i thought about it's probably not healthy for me to move with her at this time even if we stay together. There's a lot and this is getting long. I'll update as time goes. Learning experience.

Thanks if you've read this far.