So, I'm 35 and married. Been with the same girl since i was 18. Used to be very blue pill, and though i was always athletic (rugby, bjj powerlifting etc), never had confidence with girls and has zero abundance. So i quickly settled into an ltr, which turned to pregnancy (at 25) and marriage at 30.

At 22 i started working as a doorman and after advice from a friend (fuck as many girls as you can, you'll regret missed chances when you're older) i started sleeping with other women.

Now, I'm not a particularly social guy. Not in a can't maintain friendships way, as that's easy enough. Rather, i don't care about the vast majority of people. So, when i slept with these girls, it was just as something to do. A hobby. I never cared about them, and the quicker i got them into bed, the quicker i lost interest. But, my wife was always home, if you understand. I cared, and do care, about her. So i never left her. I liked the routine of a relationship.

With some girls, I'd proactively chase as a challenge. The girl who'd only been with one guy and would never cheat on him. I had to have her. I fucked her in the house me and my wife own (before we'd moved in, just after the birth of my son). As soon as it was done i lost interest. My wife's friend. Her too. The more risk / difficulty, the more i enjoyed it. Okay, so, i prefer the hunt to the kill. I understand that.

As i said, following the birth of my son we got married. Shes an excellent wife, works full time, cooks, cleans, does all my food prep etc without complaint. She's a great mother, and defers all financial responsibility to me. She trusts my leadership and follows my leadership happily. Though i wasn't in love with her, I'd never been in love with anyone, didn't believe it existed, but cared for her and could see that logically she'd be a great partner so married. I stopped fucking other women as the risk wasn't worth it and pussy is just pussy.

3 years ago i had a pretty severe back injury training. During my recovery i met a kid in my street the same age as my son. They became good friends, and my wife and i became friends with her (single mother). Same age as me. Tall, slim, small breasted, cute ass. My type. Though attracted, I'd already resolved not to fuck about, so struck up a friendship as we had similar views and sense of humour.

However, over time mutual attraction developed. She was more my friend than my wife's, and we'd text back and forth. Nothing sexual, jokes, I'd give training advise etc. My wife was aware but I'd show her the messages do she would relax. Shes aware of my general disdain for most people so was happy i had a friend.

I started flirting. Just light stuff. She reciprocated. It escalated. We sexted one night (my wife was staying out all night at her sisters to help her get ready for her wedding the next day) after she'd come over for drinks (I'm tee total and her kid was staying over with mine). She told me if i was single she'd be all over me and after kino she went home and sent pics. However, the following day we both stated we shouldn't carry on and left it there, but now i had to have her. I thought about her all the time. She lived across the street, a 10 second walk. I pushed, she shut me down. She was seeing a guy and i gave up.

Eventually i told her we couldn't be friends anymore as i couldn't concentrate on anything but fucking her. We argued and she told me to fuck off. However, one night she invited me over and we fucked. I waited for the usual disconnect i felt. It never came. I wanted more. She couldn't do it again, felt to guilty and cut contact, started seeing someone else. We didn't speak for a few months and one night bumped into her on a night out. Barely spoke. After she texted, said she regretted the end of our friendship and invited me over. I went and we started fucking again. I was addicted and couldn't figure out why. Again, she ended it as she'd met a single guy and wanted a real relationship, not to be the other woman. I confessed my love, she cut me off, i reacted badly and she threatened to call the police. This led me to the red pill. I threw myself into training. Cut weight from 275 down to 230 at 6' 2. Not super lean, but probably 15 percent bodyfat. There have been other girls. Younger, prettier, better bodies etc, but they've been nothing, like all the others. I felt nothing for then before, during or after. They were an attempt at a distraction grom this woman, unsuccessful at that.

Background on this woman. Single mother. Former heroin addict and still likes het cocaine. Debt ridden. Drinks until she blacks out. Self confessed slut. She’s a fucking walking red flag. But i think about her every fucking day. Maybe because she's so close? My wife suspected, but i maintained nothing happened. She knows we no longer speak, i told her we argued (I'm not nice to people and have argued and cut off a bunch of people so this isn't out if the usual, she knows how little i feel for others).

Logically, i know this woman is cancer. So why would i go over her house in a heartbeat is she text me right now. Why am i so stuck on this one person?