This is a crosspost from /r/letsgetlaid, see the original (which did not get a lot of responses) here: https://www.reddit.com/r/LetsGetLaid/comments/3u07c0/wheres_my_sex/ . Maybe the TRP crowds understands the question a little better.

Hi reddit, So I (34m) haven't gotten laid in about a decade. The last time I got close (this year) I had the jitters which resulted in erectile dysfunction and she pretty much cheated on me immediately. The girl before that basically just told me to sod off when I hinted at having a crush on her and promptly proceeded to shag my co-worker 3 days later. The girl before that also cheated on me after a few weeks of relationship. The net effect of all this is that I have become veeeeery wary to try anything, since I always end up getting emotionally hurt (or at least have my ego shattered, I'm not sure which is which).

By now it's hard not to feel like something must be wrong with me - at the very least my taste in women (I have come to the conclusion that I have a tendency to go after the ones I thought needed saving). But even besides that it seems remarkable that did not succeed in attracting a real mate in roughly a decade. Since a man who does not really try anything, this does not really increase my chances. What also plays into this is that I am ashamed that I'm basically an incel, since the last girl (the one who cheated on me), pretty much laughed at me when I told her I hadn't gotten laid in a long time. I have been reading up on some things like "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and I'm skimming reddits like /r/seddit but mostly this has made me feel more bitter, desparate and misogynistic.

Why do I have nothing, when other don't begin to value what they squander? Such an outlook again does not exactly improve my chances. The reading I've been doing points to the fact that my past "lovy-dovy" approach of trying to be a good guy (or even a nice guy) who immediately wants a relationship comes across as creepy and desperate. I'm beginning to understand that and I have had to face the uncomfortable truth that many of the beliefs about myself in that regard are dishonest, self-defeating and border on manipulation. On the other hand I also feel that there is a kernel of truth to it; that I genuinely want a fulfilled relationship, which ironically seems to makes me less attractive in the eyes of most women (at least the ones I tended to pursue so far).

Since I'm fed up with feeling bad I have now (shortly after the last breakup) begun to make some changes such as:

  • Reading self-help books
  • Working out
  • Improving my wardrobe
  • Getting contact lenses
  • Reducing masturbation
  • Forcing myself to be more assertive
  • Forcing myself to be less desperately schmaltzy around women
  • Stopping drinking
  • Stopping smoking
  • Taking up meditation
  • Stopping contact with negative people (bad friends, women who I felt used by)

All these things have had a very positive effect on my life and my mood, and I like myself more as a person. I feel less like a doormat. I also have the impression that this has made me more attractive. I mostly meet women in my workplace, and don't want to shit where I eat (again), so this is barely a lithmus test, though.

Basically, I want to let go of this strange obsession with finding "love" or a "perfect mate" and I just want to become a sexual being again. But I don't know how to take the next step. Imagining myself in a casual-sex situation also gives me the jitters. Combined with my past erectile dysfunction I don't know how to "take the leap" without embarassing myself again. Partially, the apparent promiscuity of my age group mostly grosses me out in its randomness, and I feel like this make me even more of a misfit. Everybody around me seems to have sex at least sometimes, while I feel like a sexless freak. Basically I feel trapped and I don't know how to escape this vicious circle. So, reddit: How can I adapt, become (more) sexually confident and more open to casual sex? There might not be a silver bullet, but what might be a good next step?

Edit: Broke it up into paragraphs. Formatting.