I'm halfway through a 1-year long planned monk mode. Losing weight (lost 60 out of a goal of 125 lbs so far), eating right, going to the gym, getting talk therapy, narrowed my social circle to only the couple of actual winners among them, who can comprehend what I'm doing and support me doing it. I quit drugs and booze, I'm learning meditation, reading from TRP's reading list - the whole bit.

Anyway women are not on the agenda right now, because I'm trying to be all about self-improvement and increasing my self-worth. But as it happens, I started talking with this girl at the gym who I see there pretty much every week, and because I am in "monk mode" I wasn't really giving a shit or trying at all.

After a couple of weeks of this, I started to get vibes from this girl, started to think "hey maybe my not-giving-a-shit is working" and that maybe I should go for it with this girl.

Instant fail.

As soon as I had that thought, my mindset shifted, and suddenly I did start giving a shit. The following week I found myself trying too hard all of a sudden. My old patterns re-asserted themselves immediately. And I could tell, between one meeting and the next, the vibe was different. She was turned off by this version of myself.

So that was last week. After a bit of soul searching, I remembered that I am only halfway through my monk year - I don't need this shit right now, and why the fuck am I trying anyway? (Which is a big improvement over the negative self-talk I would have given myself in the past: what's wrong with me, why doesn't she like me, bla bla bla.)

OK so I was back at the gym today, back to not giving a shit, and guess what? She was back to seeming interested again. That quickly, you can go from good to bad, and back to good again. And you know what else - I don't really care. I mean I enjoy the interactions with her, practicing my social skills, but I'm just not going to concern myself for even one second about any outcome at all. It just is not - I cannot allow it to be - important to me.

Told my friend this story, and his reply was as pithy as it was profound: "Trying is paradoxical".

He was exactly right. Trying to get the thing, that is the exact thing that will prevent you from getting the thing you're trying to get.

I will have to try and remember this lesson 6 months from now, when I have reached my goals and my monk mode year is over. I'm just not in that place yet. And if she's no longer on my radar by that time, so be it. There are plenty of others.