Preface: This post is really targeted for my former self. People who might relate to this are people who get super nervous on a first date that it effects the date negatively, people who don't know how to make an initial move or escalate to something beyond a friendship, people that are looking to build a strong foundation of confidence, rather than just 'faking' it.

A lot of articles & posts say "confidence is key", then continue on as if that was some switch that you flip. Or the key to confidence is just "faking" it. For me, this is largely bullshit, and gave me no practical solution for getting better at interacting with women.

Well, I wanted to write down practical advice that I would have given myself back when I was thinking about entering the dating world, in case it applies to any of you nervous nellies out there whose hands tremble with the thought of making a move on a girl.

First off, confidence isn't something you just magically do when someone tells you to be confident, despite these countless posts advising it. They say that it's just in the mind, and well.. it is, but it really has more to do with experience. Experienced people seem to forget this, or not realise it, or refuse to acknowledge that confidence goes hand in hand with experience.

The more you do something, the more you will be confident at it, and it will help you know where and when to make a move. It will eventually just feel natural, but it takes some time and persistence.

I think about the first time I tried to speak Spanish to a Latin speaker, I was FAR from confident. I made so many errors, they couldn't understand my accent, I felt embarrassed and frustrated every time I tried. This is normal, anything that's worth doing is painful at the start, but it will lead you to something so empowering that you will question yourself why you didn't begin this journey sooner.

Admitting that you are not confident is the first step, and realising you simply need more experience will put you in the right direction. Prepare to fail many times, but use those failures to learn from. However, don't dwell on them. We are all human, and we all make mistakes.

:: Friendship first, Dating second ::

Since your confidence is n00b status, you need to start with at first simply being comfortable around new women. At first, bring zero expectations that this is going to escalate anywhere beyond just a friendship. Friends that are girls can be invaluable to you when you're starting out in the dating world, so do not think of this as wasted opportunities. Those doors can also be re-opened later.

If you don't already have Tinder, get this. Create a fake email and fake facebook account just for your Tinder profile if you need to. Put effort into your Tinder photos. They don't have to be all crazy, skydiving picks, but get the lighting right, wear a nice shirt, make sure you look like a decent individual that a girl could be comfortable around. I don't have more advice here, but it's an important step, especially if you are having trouble getting matches.

Secondly, set up as many dates as possible, preferably in a relatively short time frame. If one doesn't go well, in your head you will be able to think "no worries, my date on Thursday might be better" to ease more of the pressure. I think Tinder plus for a month was a worthwhile investment, but it was my first time using Tinder, so results may vary.

When initiating conversation on Tinder, I stayed away from cheezy pickup lines, they're not me. My technique is to be pretty straight forward, but start out with a hint of flattery.

"Hey Ana, looking good on that cruiser :D" "How are you?"

Nothing more is needed, if she doesn't respond, don't think twice about it. She might get back to you a few days later, you never know.

But if she does respond, this is the part where you find out a little bit about each other. Show her your a normal person, and can have a bit of light hearted conversation. You don't have to be too clever, but give her an idea of what you're doing with your life so she knows your not a crazy person.

Pro tip: don't spend all day on Tinder going back and forth with this girl, it could be a waste of time. You should only need to back 'n forth 10-15 times, then ask for her number so you can whatsapp, and then schedule a date with her on there. Try to refrain from talking too much before the date once it's been scheduled.

From my experience, girls will bail on dates maybe 25% of the time, so unless you are some crazy handsome devil, don't get upset if they bail, just be nice and try to reschedule at some point.

Try to book 3-4 dates with different women in the same week. This might seem slimey, but really, you're still just looking for friends to be comfortable around. If it helps, don't think of them as dates, just appointments to meet new friends, because that's really what you should be aiming for initially.

It's important to note that a lot of girls will also say "I am only looking for a friend". I think girls do this for two reasons:

  1. they don't want to appear as a slut
  2. they are use to guys simply wanting sex, and try to deter them

In my experience, take this to mean almost nothing, unless your reason number 2. All the girls I went out with, with the intentions of being friends, were puzzled I did not escalate things further, and I'm pretty sure they saw this as a challenge, and wanted to get a crack at me again. This leaves the door open for more opportunities later.

Keep booking more dates until you are comfortable just talking and having fun with new women, just like any other human being in a non-sexual way. This is a super important step. If you're anything like me, I started out sweating at the beginning of a date, overthinking everything I was doing, and failing miserable to hold a conversation. Just be focused on having a good time rather than impressing them or making a move. After a few "dates", this feeling of anxiousness subsides substantially. It will never be zero, that's what makes meeting new people & dating exhilarating.

:: Chill Flirting ::

So now you've gotten to the point where you're comfortable talking to a girl like a regular person. But now your ready to consider making a move on one, but your not quite sure how to do it. This is progress!

My strongest suggestion is to do as much as you can to plan a date where this will feel as comfortable as it can be, despite the fact your moves are as smooth as sandpaper. I recommend starting your date somewhere where you can get to know each other, and then have somewhere to go afterwards.

I am in Medellin, so your examples might look a bit different, but this could be:

- a pool hall, then to another bar for a drink - a nice park, then to a mall to get lunch - a beginner salsa class, then to a pub for an appetiser  - dinner, then go for a walk around the town, then sit down at a bench in a nice spot

In the first part of the date, you should be getting to know each other, similar to your first dates, as if your just two friends hanging out having a comfortable conversation. But this is also where you can start experiment with some easy, non-intrusive flirting.

This can be many different things, depending on the scenario. Maybe when your walking side by side, you "accidentally" graze your arm with her arm several times. If she has tatoos, ask her about them, maybe run your fingers over them as she shows them off to you. If it's your turn at the pool table, and you have to move around her, maybe touch her arm or waist gently as you pass by. If you're close to each other and talking, when she says something funny, gently touch her arm with the back of your hand as you laugh a bit. If she has a ring, ask her about it and hold her hand for a little bit while you examine it and gently run your thumb down her fingers. If you just finished eating and she asks if there's anything on her face, say yes and hold her jaw with your fingers and run your thumb smoothly along her cheek. There's a lot of little things you can do here, it just depends on your comfort level, and where you are. You might miss several opportunities, but that's ok. Learn from that, and move on.

And these things will likely all feel unnatural at the start, and that's ok! She will most likely be relieved that at least one of you two is initiating some physical contact. Girls rarely initiate anything on their own, so pat yourself on the back for trying something. And each date you go on, these things will feel more natural and you'll be more confident in trying different things.

If this is as far as you go on your first date, feel proud, this is progress. Take your time, girls are very forgiving for guys that take things slow.

:: Making a Move ::

So, now that you've at least made some physically contact with her, and your conversations haven't been terrible, she's likely beginning to feel more comfortable around you, this is where you can go ahead with the next step.

From my experience, a change in atmosphere gives you a much more comfortable opportunity to do something like put your arm around her for the first time, like right after leaving the pub. Or when you run across the street, put out your hand for her to grab, but then after you cross the street, she will probably try to play it cool and let her hand limp to let go, but this is a golden opportunity to take an initiative here. If you decisively not let her hand go, instead, strengthen your grip, and cross your fingers between hers, she will love it.

I have to re-iterate despite how awkward this may feel at first, once you've done this a couple times, it will feel more and more natural, and you'll eventually be confident at doing it, and you'll be more comfortable trying more and more escalated moves.

Just be sure to do a bit of give and take. Don't keep your arm around her the whole day once you put it there, give her some space, then try something a little different (hold hands, lock arms, arm on her shoulder, arm around her lower back).

Woot progress!!

The next time you do this, it will feel more natural, and you'll be ready to try something one step further.

By the end of the date, if you're still a bit too nervous to go for a kiss, that's OK! The first two times I got to this point, I panicked and gave her a kiss on the cheek. But, I was never turned down for a second date.

If you are ready to go for a kiss though, here's my tride and true way.. (Assuming she's wearing her hair down) I would start by stepping in a bit closer to her with a relaxed smile, and brush her hair behind her ear with the back of your finger. Put your other hand on her waist. Keep your other hand by her face to hold up her jawline, and begin leaning in. If she is also into it, she'll be getting closer as well. Keep your mouth closed, and hold for at least second.

Be prepared for her to give you those eyes that says she wants to pounce on you, because you really have her now :D

You can vary this any number of ways, perhaps you start by grabbing her hand and lifting it up and kissing her hand, then step in and hold onto her waist.

...

Annnnd.. This post is long enough and hopefully gives some starting tips for those that are really struggling with anxiousness and initial steps for escalation.

I am largely new to the dating world so let me know if I'm overlooking something here. I'm coming from a background of almost no-experience and no-confidence and awkward social skills, so this is a whole new world that was once locked up, and suddenly opened up just in a span of a couple months.