We all have an image of ourselves in our own head, and an image of who we want to be. It’s important to have that sense of self and sense of ideals. These perspectives direct our actions, especially in regards to relationships.

One of the biggest problems I have seen is that people’s sense of self is divorced from reality. They supplant the truth with their ideals, for any number of reasons. This is not just unhealthy, but a major cause for failure in their dating life and in subsequent relationships.

Honestly really is the best policy, but that begins within one’s self image. To be able to sell yourself as a person to the people you want to attract, you must first acknowledge who you are as a person. Ask yourself these questions, among others, and be brutally honest with yourself:

Looking in the mirror, what do I see? Are there flaws that I don’t like and want to work on? Are their flaws that are just a part of me and that’s okay?

What am I looking for? Am I looking for a quick fuck, am I trying to have an uncommitted relationship where I can learn things about myself and what I want, or am I ready to be serious?

Does my lifestyle align with what I want? Is partying every night until 3 in the morning really conducive to having a stable, serious relationship? Does staying in every night and playing games or browsing social media help me get out their and have fun with another person?

Once you have introspected, use the insight you have gained to inform your behavior. Maybe you didn’t like the way you looked, so you are going to begin working on that to be more presentable and attractive. Maybe you realized you don’t want a steady relationship and you just want to have fun.

Lastly, once you are done introspecting, be honest with your potential partners. Update your dating app bio. Be up-front with that person you’ve been pining after. Tell that someone you’ve been seeing that you are still trying to learn who you are and what you want.

There will always be an adjustment period. It might not be easy. But it is better to be honest with yourself and others than to live a lie.