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[–]CocoBabeNYC 2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Well, she gave you few very key pointers. #1 is you are anxious and not comfortable with yourself. That speaks to self esteem issues, so you need to handle these first. Look into cognitive therapy for these.
Second, is you were too eager to impress her. The need to impress others is one of the most pathetic and diminishing things a man can do. You are basically making the opinion of this random girl more important than your own opinion of you. Think about it! If you liked you and were okay with you and comfortable with you, would you really care what someone else's opinion of you was? Would you try to desperately influence said opinion? Probably not. If they didn't like you, you'd shrug your shoulders and be thankful you don't have to spend anymore time with someone who doesn't like you.
I will give you a series of questions, and you should try to answer them to the best of your abilities.
I will give you a little hint. We all hold on to dysfunctional behaviors because we believe we benefit from them in some way. This is reinforced by the behaviors actually working randomly and giving us a shot of dopamine, which perpetuates the addiction to the behavior.
Let's say you are a needy guy and crowd women too much early on. Logically you may know that this behavior is bad, but subconsciously you believe that if you have a woman a lot of attention, she is bound to give you some back. And you are also afraid that if you weren't all over her, she'd quickly lose interest and find a better guy. Consciously you probably know that neediness will turn off a woman, but at the same time when you send a lot of text messages early on (for example) and she responds, you get that shot of dopamine. You feel good, because in your brain "sending a lot of messages = she is interested in me". But as you continue to send messages all the time and they increase in length, her responses slow down and become one word responses. Now you have been deprived of your dopamine shot, so you resort to the only thing you know that can get you that, which is you amplifying the neediness even more. But the more you do that, the further into the trap you fall, and the further she drifts away in her disinterest, until you have lost her.
The issue is that the thing you believe helps your insecurity is the thing that actually causes it in the first place. You see neediness as your cure for feeling insecure, but the neediness in itself causes the insecurity because neediness drives women away. And when you lack a lot of female attention, you get insecure. It's like an addiction. You take a drug to feel better, but it was the actually addiction to the drug that made you feel like crap to begging wjth. It's a viscous cycle.
Once you internalize this and under at and that there is absolutely no benefit to you from being needy and trying to impress, you will let go of this behavior. You may also be afraid that if you are not constantly bombarding a woman wjth attention and with trying to impress her she will lose interest in you, but that's not true. By giving up these dysfunctional behaviors you are gaining freedom and confidence. And women will be much more attracted by confidence than desperation.
[–]pferden 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
One of my superiors i had once had (horrible) mannerisms until a coworker gave him feedback on them. Then he changed. First thing is to be aware, second thing is to suppress.
Now that said this is some quite particular feedback of some rando person. Maybe get some feedback from your friends or your ex partners, too!
[–]7GoodVibes 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Changing mannerism takes a lot of conscious attention towards them. If you are not aware of them, you cannot change them.
As for confidence, it helps to remember a time when you felt confident and feel that sensation now. When you can remember and access a sensation, it can be used any time you want it, with enough practice. Just feeling certain sensations you want more of every day, with conscious effort, makes them stronger, easier to access, and more generalized to more situations.
You get more of what you practice.
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[–]CocoBabeNYC 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]pferden 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]7GoodVibes 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link