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[–]CocoBabeNYC 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
While I do agree that consuming content is almost always a complete waste of time, I think your problem is slightly different.
See, most men when approaching a woman aren't simply approaching a woman because they may be sexually interested in her and want to get to know her better. That's almost always the excuse but behind it there is other meaning. If they have a successful interaction, it means to them stuff like "hey, I am a normal guy after all", "I am worthy of a woman like her", "this will show all my bullies in middle school who told me I was a loser", "hey dad, look, I approached a girl, do you approve of me now, do you, dad?", and so on and so forth.
So much meaning is attached to the successful outcome that the inverse is also true. A rejection also means that you must be worthless, ugly, dumb, weird, unfuckable, subhuman scum. This is why a simple rejection can hurt so much. You are deriving your sense of approval and validation from successful interactions with women, but this also means that they can make you feel disapproved and inferior.
The only solution is to decouple self esteem and success (or lack there of) with women. Couple your success with things you can control, such as are you a good person? Are you a quality person? Are you someone who stands up for his friends? Are you a loyal friend? Etc. when you feel good about yourself without female approval you will stop seeing women as these infallible goddesses that can make you or break you. You will see them for simply humans who excite sexually and who you may want to jump in bed with and enjoy for a night or more.
[–]larsson22 4 years ago [recovered] (4 children) | Copy Link
That's exactly what I meant, but I think you put it into words better than me. I am so attached to the outcome because I currently don't have self-esteem.
I have all those qualities you mentioned in the last paragraph. Why don't I have self-esteem? I'm doing alright in college (almost done) and career, I work out, but I have this deep toxic shame. My dad abandoned me and my mom is always overprotecting me and telling me not to take risks, as if she doesn't trust me. I try to act despite these barriers, but they are very deeply embedded in my subconscious.
What I did notice is that the moments when I feel most confident are right after I did or achieved something good: entered college, started exercising, got my drivers license, finished bachelor's, got my first job, got a better job, travelled somewhere, ran for an entire hour straight, etc. These are the things that make me proud. But by living routinely, and not doing anything special, I'm seeking women's approval to close that gap.
I have a few plans: to move out of my Mom's house, to learn how to play guitar (I bought it a year ago but it's been collecting dust instead of being played), to get up earlier, travel more and be more assertive, just to name a few of the things I've been thinking about. Hopefully this will help me.
[–]CocoBabeNYC 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
In the caveman days, tribes organized Rites of Passage for young boys to turn them into men. They took them away from the mothers and put them through a grueling challenge. After they survived, they were given a set of tribes and accepted back into the tribe as men.
You seriously need to break away from the mammas boy thing. Moms through no fault of their own raise sissy boys, because as you said your mom is overprotective. She will never allow you to compete, dominate or do dating dangerous stuff. You know, the stuff that separates us from girls. She is essentially raising you as a girl. There is a theory that women evolved to be cautious and passive (non risk taking), because it wouldn't be in our evolutionary interest to have our women who are the only ones who can bear children die in accidents or animal attacks. At the same time, it worked the opposite for men. The men who avoided danger and hid in the cave, died of starvation, while the brave daring cavemen went out and got food. Through natural selection, women chose the badass cavemen because they had better chances of survival and their offspring had better chances of survival.
The cowardly cavemen died off. And a woman who mated with one of them would die off as well and her offspring as well. That's why being a coward is the least sexually attractive trait. The men you call assholes and dumb jocks are not afraid, they take risks and as such win all the awards.
So where does that leave you? If you are really interested in breaking the cycle, you have to create a rite of passage for yourself. A modern day challenge that will take you from a boy to man. Come up with something that is difficult and challenging, that will test you and separate the fearful boy from the brave man. My challenge for myself was to go out to clubs and bars alone at night, stay all night if needed until I got a woman. I challenged myself and faced all my fears until I broke them.
[–]larsson22 4 years ago [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
I like your message overall and agree, and that's exactly why I want to move out.
However, didn't you write a couple of days ago that it was creepy to go to a club just to pick up women? XD
[–]CocoBabeNYC 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
In general yes, but this is a different mission. You are facing your fears.
[–]larsson221 point 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Fair enough. Thanks for the help once again!
[–]SuggestionHonest7989 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
If you don't like cold approaching, no one is forcing you bruh. Happiness comes first.
[–]larsson22 4 years ago [recovered] (5 children) | Copy Link
Fair enough. But then, how do I meet new women? I think the key isn't to give up, but rather to become comfortable with rejection, which I clearly still am not
[–]SuggestionHonest7989 -1 points0 points1 point 4 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Make Use of Daygame, approaching girls on streets or shopping malls. Use apps less and go for the kill in real life, that is much better.
[–]larsson22 4 years ago [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
Daygame... Now THAT terrifies me even more xDD but I see your point
[–]SuggestionHonest7989 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Terrified of what, we are all gonna die anyway in the end.
[–]larsson22 4 years ago [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
I fear that not only will I be rejected, but I may potentially be looked upon with disgust for creeping into other people's private space like that. Especially since the last time I did that I could tell the girl was completely creeped out
[–]SuggestionHonest7989 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Girls who don't find you attractive are always gonna look down upon on you as a creep, but anyway, don't force yourself to do something you don't like. If you are getting good results with dating apps, you are way better on them.
[–]Joshisbetter5 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Very common brotha, most people spend their lives theorizing, analyzing without doing (and I am guilty as this at stages in my life)
Very important not to identify with these negative emotions. We are not our thoughts, and tbh most thoughts want you to stay the same in life. It’s our biology to stay the same.
Keep shooting, only look at misses as feedback that you can learn from. A lot of this stuff just self corrects itself with practice. As with anything in life. It’s all reps.
I hope so, hopefully I will become comfortable with rejection once and for all. But I also have to focus on other things, which I clearly haven't been doing
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[–]CocoBabeNYC 1 point2 points3 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]larsson22 [recovered] (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]CocoBabeNYC 1 point2 points3 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]larsson22 [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]CocoBabeNYC 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]larsson221 point [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]SuggestionHonest7989 0 points1 point2 points (6 children) | Copy Link
[–]larsson22 [recovered] (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]SuggestionHonest7989 -1 points0 points1 point (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]larsson22 [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]SuggestionHonest7989 1 point2 points3 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]larsson22 [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]SuggestionHonest7989 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Joshisbetter5 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]larsson221 point [recovered] | Copy Link