TL;DR:# I have a bad habit of not persuing relationships because of a lack of confidence and anxiety, and I've somehow made an even worse habit of fantasizing about relationships with girls I've never even interacted with and I need help, bad. (18/m)

The video giving context to what I'm about to talk about comes from this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/5da7wo/long_distance_crushes_are_often_the_result_of/

I was wondering if anybody else can relate to this other than me? When I watched this video, I realized this is exactly what I've done ever since my ex broke up with me almost exactly a year ago. I've talked to a couple girls here and there (got rejected by a girl who turned out to be a lesbian, got flaked on by this darkskin chick I knew to be flaky from sophomore year, got the snapchat of another lesbian I hit on at work, talked to this one other girl at the beginning of the year for like a week and got a polite rejection cause I fucked it up being awkward, approached a few more and fucked up hard because of extreme unfomfort, etc), but for the most part, other than the few I just listed, I've fallen into this incredible bad habit of not opening up to people and introducing myself. Instead, I stare at them from afar, overanalyzing everything in my head, worrying about if I look good enough, or if I'm cool enough, or if what I have to say is a good enough conversation starter, or if they'll think I'm weird for talking to them, or if the people around me will make fun of me for being awkward and trying to talk to X girl that they might know, etc.

Over a long enough time not interacting with these girls, you start to fantasize about what it would be like if you did know them. What it would be like if they turned out to be the one that you could really connect with and build something special with (not that I fantasize over any one girl in particular but there are a couple that I have in mind). You start to build this image of them in your head, not even taking the time to remember that you haven't even said a word to this fucking girl, you don't even know her name or what her voice sounds like, or if she's even single. The distance between you seems magnified the more you wait, and every time you see them, play it up in your head that "today's the day" and then don't make a move, the crippling regret sets in once again, as you realize that you have to wait, or lose, rather, another 24 hours until your next shot (in which she may not even show up to class / the hallway that day). It fucking kills you inside, really. Social anxiety has been referred to as "the disease of missed opportunities". When I heard that I almost wanted to cry knowing how true that is. I remember last year there was this girl in my first period. Definitely looked like my type: short bleach blonde hair, grungy / emo / dark look, had hot tattoos, total fucking banger. And every single time that bell would ring letting us out of class, I wanted to work up the balls to talk to her, and never could. I followed her out the door plenty of times, we walked down the same exact hallway to our next class, and I never said a single word to her. And I never saw her again.

I will never forget that girl. Or any of the others, if I keep this shit up. Not for the rest of my life will I not look back and ask myself, "what if". Yet even in the face of that regret, I'm too much of a fucking pussy to change. I don't even know why: I'm good looking, I've got friends, I'm smart, I have interests, I have a job, a car, a deep voice, nice style. I can't think of a logical reason why I think I'm such a piece of shit, past a horrific upbringing, moderately severe depression, and lack of a father figure.

I'm asking for some real advice here. How do I force myself to change when my willpower isn't enough to override the emotional tsunami that crashes in my head whenever I think that I might have a shot at finding love? It's self sabotage to the extreme. Before I know it I'm gonna be over on foreveralone, ranting about how I wasted my life and how I'll never get laid, and it fucking sucks. I'm only 18 but I feel like I'm way behind the curve. Everyone I know has lost their virginity except for me and every day that goes by is another day I'll be closer to death without getting any improvement.