Writing something like a field report is new for me, but I realize I need to get informed feedback on what I'm doing. I've wanted to post here for quite a while, but only recently have I had sufficient time to write in proper detail. I really hope you all can help me understand how to improve. Especially now, as I'll soon be moving to a new, smaller town where I have NO preexisting social network. Although my first few pieces here will likely be less than exemplary as material for folks to use (get ready to cringe a bit), I'll try to bullet point out some things I think I did well that may be useful for others - since I'd like to give as much as I take. Also, even if I'm focusing on one woman in this story, I'm not looking for specific advice for her, but rather general feedback on how I acted.

Background Info

I'll include some background info for this first post (skip ahead two paragraphs if you just want the actual account): I'm about to turn 30 and have about a junior-high school student's experience with women. I started reading this forum about a year ago, and was taken aback at just how terribly wrong all my interactions with women have been. This is honestly the only sticking point in my life: I'm smart, reasonably attractive, in good shape, good career, and am generally recognized as a leader by peers.

I haven't really put myself out there the right way with women, though, and want to change that. I've had many occasions where I know a girl's been interested (most blatantly of memory, "you need sex" and "I used to be a nymphomaniac"), but I couldn't bring myself to escalate since I just wasn't really feeling it: these girls ranged between a 5 and an 8 on the scale, but even when I was attracted physically, I just got a clingy/attached vibe (for no good reason since I'd never given a single indication I was interested). I live my life by a few principles, and one of them is not to hurt someone else to get what I want; using them for meaningless sex didn't seem right if it would have meaning for them. Anyway, maybe I'm just telling myself that to feel somewhat better about the situation. There is some truth to something I read, though: you need game to NOT get laid in college - that's my sort of game.

The Story

So fuck it, I tried to be a bit more outgoing. I went to a childhood friend's wedding (she was the bride) in late spring of last year. I'm pretty good at events like weddings, as I do formality well. I think I made a good impression: I worked the room, introduced myself to most of the guests, and generally was my friendly self; at dinner, made a point of getting to know everyone at the table; danced with most of the girls seated there. This was mostly just second nature, except the dancing was a bit new for me. Turns out I'm chaotic but energetic - we had fun. Among the folks I danced with, a married girl my age - who went to college with my friend - was super cool. We talked about our respective careers, blah blah blah, and exchanged contacts.

  • "Hi, I don't think I met you yet" - as if it's expected that I should know everyone at the table.
  • Dance like there's no reason not to: move with the music and in a fast pace, break out a sweat, do some moves that wouldn't fly in the stuffy older relatives' day but that are nonetheless clean, don't be afraid to move the girl around the floor.
  • Engage folks you know to be unavailable (married/engaged/etc.) in conversation no differently than folks you're interested in.

Later, I emailed her since I was interested in talking to one of her former professors who works in my field. Out of the blue, she said she never does this, but she'd like to set me up with her cousin who lives in my town. OK, I said, I'm game - why not. I didn't mention that I'd never been on a date in my life.

  • Always follow-up on a connection you make.

I emailed the girl and set up the meeting: we'd have drinks at a hotel I'd walked by a bunch of times and thought the bar looked nice. She showed up and looked cute: nice dress, nice legs, warm smile; I gave her a hug. We talked about what we're like - I'm comfortable with conversation, not nervous or anything - and had a few rounds. I told her I'd pay the tab but then she'd be buying dinner, so we headed over to a place I like. Got take-away, headed to a park. On the way there, I did recognize she was a bit nervous ("it's pretty dark"), but I was stubborn and said we'll be fine (I knew the park well enough to know it was safe). We ate, talked a bit more. I kept trying to bring the conversation to talk about larger interests, but it got hitched on her work, etc. - I just didn't really get the vibe she was passionate about anything. I tend to get excited about what I like, and I guess I expect the same from others.

  • Started OK - just smile and try to bring up things in conversation you give a shit about.

There was no amount of physical escalation to really speak of: other than our initial hug and some conversational emphasis touching her arm (I've tended to do that for anyone, long before I even knew what kino meant), she just seemed distant; I feel like I need a minimum of reciprocation to escalate. Anyway, we walked back to her place and I gave her a hug goodnight.

  • Finish on friendly terms even if you're not really into it.

Five days later, I got an e-mail from her saying it was nice to meet and she'd like to see me again. Sweet - honestly, despite having NO other prospects at the time, I wasn't sure if I'd call her again, but this was nice to know. Problem was that I was a few days away from leaving the country for the summer. I wouldn't be back in town for a few months. I told her I looked forward to catching up when I got back. Lo and behold, a few months later, I returned, and completely forgot about her until like September. Then, I figured it was WAY too late, so I just let it go. At some point in the autumn, I walked past her on the street - I didn't recognize her until we'd nearly passed each other; if she recognized me, she didn't show it - I didn't say anything.

Potential Action Points

  • Escalate physically more

This is tough for me beyond the zones of friendship contact: I'm a very tactile person, but I'm just not yet comfortable continuing with escalation if I'm not getting any favorable response.

  • Be more responsive when she's not feeling safe.

Super simple stuff.

  • Work something sexual in the conversation

This could have moved our talk around a corner, but this one's obviously tough since I don't have much of a well to draw from.

  • Plan a more exciting outing

I'm torn on this: honestly, I like the idea of starting with a good conversation as a foundation, so drinks/coffee is the kind of first date I think is appropriate, but I recognize some girls may be more interested in having more active fun at the outset. That's a bit of a problem for me: most of my hobbies are not really group activities, and when I do things like host dinner parties, it's a large enough group that there's no one-on-one intimacy.

I welcome your comments and suggestions.

Edited for formatting