My last post to seddit was a somewhat desperate cry for help and I can't thank the community for doing what they could to bring me out of my funk. Seriously you guys are awesome.

http://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1cyedg/getting_over_fear_has_never_been_this_hard/

I was in a pretty bad place at the time and in the months since I've come to the understanding that a large part of the unhappiness I've been experiencing with myself is due to placing my validation and self worth on the opinions of those around me. I've gone home from college for the summer which has allowed me some time to reflect and build out some strategies I can follow once I get back to college in August.

In the mean time I've been hanging out with a group of friends in my town who just graduated high school and doing my best to turn this summer into some real results but as always its a struggle.

Last thursday night: My neighbor friend who ill call Scooter and I have been setting up his basement in order to have people over on a regular basis. We threw a couple big couches several tvs and a good music setup in the hopes that once we invite people over they won't pull the typical bullshit of hanging out for 15 minutes and leaving. That night we invited 20 or so people over to come drink in the basement in secrecy from Scooters parents (they aren't cool with it but seem to ignore it) and we ended up with a good turn out. I immediately introduced mtself to everyone that walked in the door and once aquaintances were made I plopped myself down on the couch, put some porno on one of the tvs and grabbed a drink. ( the porno thing is kind of weird but I figured it would accomplish several things. 1. It would send anyone who is uncomfortable with sex and sexuality headed for the door 2. It creates an atmosphere where people could talk about sex without seeming out of place. ) After having a couple short conversations a cute little blondie took a seat next to me. We chatted for a bit and I had to fight to keep her from bringing up politics but she seemed alright and after a bit I got up and started to move around the party.

Being the oldest person in the room is definitely a confidence booster for me because I really don't give a shit about what a bunch of highschoolers think which is torally the opposite of the college parties ive been to where again im placing my validation on the opinions of others . This night I focused on letting loose, owning the party, and not giving a shit and I had a good time doing it.

After chatting it up with blondie a bit more I left to go roll a joint and when I came back I walked right past blondie, gave her a smile, and was greeted with "why are you always up in my face." I didn't spend any time trying to figure out if this is some "shit test" I just figured fuck this bitch she's not worth my time, so without saying a word I threw my hands up in the air and walked away. And guess what? Blondie followed me around the corner and stood right in front of me again. At this point I'm thinking ok this girl has some interest lets see what I can do and no sooner than I had that thought did Scooters dad come downstairs sending everyone into a bit of a panic and scattering in all directions. Fuck me and fuck living at home for the summer I feel like I'm in highschool all over again.

What I did right:

  1. Letting loose: I felt totally comfortable in my environment and that allowed the true antonio_difagio to show his colors.

  2. No neediness: When blondie said her little bitch comment "why are you always up in my face" I said fuck that and walked away instead of engaging with her bad behavior. This led to her following me around the party for a moment but I never had the chance to dig deeper and figure out what she was really thinking thanks to Scooters dad.

What I need to work on:

  1. Escalation: I honestly believe that blondie was down for me, maybe if I wouldve pushed a bit harder I couldve gotten somewhere with it?

  2. Ask for a number dammit: I never even thought to ask her for her number. If I would've I couldve scheduled another time to hang out but now ill have to wait to see if we bump into each other again.

Things are getting better, I'm being more social and having more fun but I'm finding a big sticking point at escalating connections beyond casual and sometimes awkward small talk. Ill keep pushing foward, keep posting FRs and eventually I'm gonna get this shit down.