Getting back into the game

Hi guys,

here looking for some tips on how to get back into the game and become better at building relationships.

I am a 25 y.o. guy from Italy and haven't really had any romantic nor sexual relationship for the past 2 years. I was relatively successful with girls when I was younger (like 17-20 y.o.), but then went to university and basically focused almost exclusively on studying and getting a very good job and neglected my social life a lot. Now that I feel that I have achieved that objective, I feel like I need to start giving more emphasis to relationships again.

I would say I am a good-looking guy (though not very tall, like 5'9''-5'10'', still pretty average where I'm from), quite fit (more than most guys I know), I dress very well and have a relatively high-paid job, which unfortunately leaves me with very little time during weekdays. I have been with good-looking girls in the past and have repeatedly received compliments from very hot girls. Overall, in terms of looks, I would say that I could be potentially attractive for almost any 'normal' girl (maybe excluding the very tall ones).

The thing is, after a few years dedicated only to studying and working, I am not very used to building non-professional relationships with people (I know this sounds weird). While I consider myself pretty confident and have no trouble meeting new people in professional settings (my job is very relationship-oriented), I am also naturally not a very talkative/sociable person and generally tend not to build relationships with new people unless I have some good reason to do so. My problem is not per se in meeting people (i.e. I am not afraid of opening, though not very used to it anymore), but in creating a connection with them after meeting them. In fact, most of my friends are people whom I have known for 5+ years.
Also, I am not usually the most 'active' part of a relationship: most of the girls I have been with were extremely extroverted and sociable people and I did not really make any particular effort to build a relationship with them. Finally, the fact that I am a very rational, pragmatic and non-emotional kind of person is always kind of an obstacle for me in forming relationships outside of work settings (everything above applies both to women as well as men).

Considering that it is not realistic to say that I can completely change my character and become a super sociable and extroverted person (and I don't want to), which steps could I take to not only meet new women but also become better at building a personal relationship with them?

I am writing this as I am really missing a lot of opportunities because of this. In the last couple of years I can think of at least 5-6 very good-looking girls having expressed interest in me, but I always manage to ruin everything becase I am not in the right mood or stuff like that and this is something that I feel like I cannot afford anymore.

[–]Greatguy5566 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

Hey man, I’m in the exact same spot. Same age as well haha. Used to have the hottest girls in high school, university residence, gyms wherever come up to me. Missed out on so many good opportunities because I told myself I had to focus on getting good grades, and I did get to where I want career wise but relationships suffered.

Now I’m not sure if you are trying to get into cold approach or just date within your circle etc. But I will give a few tips specifically to you and your situation.

Be patient, start with small steps. - it’s easy for us to be frustrated, especially if you’ve had experience with many really attractive girls giving you free passes when you were younger - however you will soon notice that the environment has completely changed, most girls are cuffed and your looks/qualities don’t really get you anywhere - so you gotta adjust your expectations and work on one small thing at a time

Use crutches - if you are cold approaching, start with asking them directions or time even if you‘ve done hundreds of approaches - treat yourself to something nice after you muster the courage to ask a girl out - use anything to make it easy for you to go after a girl

Think about other’s perception of you - for good looking guys, there is a huge double edge sword - it’s easy for a girl to assume you are a player, uncommitted jerk especially if you are not naturally high energy and like you said (not used to intimacy) - very easy for girls to get turned off since your actions may give the wrong messages even if unintended

Reflect on all your mistakes, experiences - remember the feeling of regret and use that to fuel your actions - in the end, rejections don’t mean anything but being able to conquer your fears and give your all no matter what the circumstances means you’re a winner already

DM me if you want to talk more. I’m happy to chat

[–]apldrm[S] 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for the answer man, I appreciate it and I'm happy to know my situation isn't that uncommon.

Use crutches

I think for me the problem isn't approaching strangers (both women and men) per se (meaning that I do not feel like I have much approach anxiety even though I am not super used to it), more so developing mutual interest. I say mutual because it's not only about me being interesting for a girl, but also about her being interesting for me. The fact that most women put very little effort when beginning a conversation makes me find them not very interesting even if they are good-looking.

Think about other’s perception of you

These are all very good points and absolutely true. While I do not think girls on average perceive me like a player, it's also true that people who don't know me may think that I am an egocentric jerk, just because as I said it's not very immediate for me to build a relationship. I'm not really sure what to do about this though, it would be very unnatural for me to try and force a conversation.

Have you been able to make some progress since acknowledging your situation?

[–]Greatguy5566 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link

Hey I think I might be going on a diff road than you haha. I’ve been cold approaching for a while (hundreds of girls) at this point.

I know what you mean about not being interested in girls. I find that for guys like us (sounds so cheesy but bear with me), because we’ve gotten so much validation from girls all around. We start to have this false belief where we need to have chemistry with all the hot girls around us. But in reality, you are not going to be interested in all the girls, even if she’s the most attractive person you’ve seen in your life. Girls can easily sense your real passion and feelings, whatever you say or do to disguise it if you don’t is meaningless. Sometimes this also makes a girl who was initially open act disinterested and not make an effort on a date etc. So dont be too hard on yourself for not clicking or immediately having a spark with every girl. Just have fun, keep meeting people and the one that will give you butterflies will give you butterflies without you even trying, you can’t force attraction after all.

Btw, your situation is pretty uncommon. Not saying this to brag, but you need to know you are diff from all the guys around you because it does affect your game/approach to relationship.

[–]apldrm[S] 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Title	Getting back into the game
Author	apldrm
Upvotes	1
Comments	4
Date	July 23, 2021 1:26 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/oq2dbo/getting_back_into_the_game/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/getting-back-into-the-game.1279808 https://theredarchive.com/post/1279808

Comments