Hey Seddit, Please do not bother in reading this.......this is something special. for one person. A really special someone, to see themselves, someone I recently introduced to Reddit, and while she may not understand it yet, maybe this will help her understand something else. Here is some stuff about our friendship.

So, I am currently a young guy, a year 10 in a south Australian school. But the story starts much earlier, year 8.

I started out without many friends, keeping to myself. and I eventually became friends with a guy named Tim, he was what you would call the "funny, attractive, popular guy" that each class would have, and we had science.

Walks in a girl, who is she I ask myself? I wouldn't have a clue. I go back to being a moron, playing with fire. Whats this? the new girl knows the people next to me, and she seems to find our reckless endangerment humorous.....and I kick into showoff mode.

I later on learn through others this girls name is Kaitlen (cute name?) and she had moved here from another high school. Did I want to be her friend? I didn't know. All I did know was that she was really pretty, red hair. Beautiful eyes. flowing body, and a soft,relaxing,calming, and hypnotic voice.

Luckily I am friends with two girls who already knew her, and this gives me a basis to introduce myself, and we talk, ever so slightly I feel that maybe this girl is special, But I'm a year eight. I am fairly stupid at this time. yet none the less we talk. and my feelings develop as well. around 9 weeks into knowing her, after lying to her, saying I liked someone else in our class. it just comes out "I like you alot" and the time after is kind of a haze.

Stuff like.....I like you...but my dad says no came about.....and I was spun into sadness. spiralling out of control. I felt incomplete if I wasn't talking to her. Yet I found myself growing apart from her. and only half a year later, I learn that her, still liking me was a lie, that she did it for my own good, because she did not want to hurt me. This killed me a little inside. I found it hard to deal with. and so, in approximately November, I was crushed. Scrolling through Facebook, there is was, Kaitlen, is in a relationship, with who you ask? Scott, someone who I was on good terms with at the time( this event.....had us growing apart it would seem)

I began my regime. I am happy for you I said, and for a time it was true, then I began to feel bad talking to her, that he may grow jealous. So I stopped. I grew sad every moment I saw them together. But what could I do.

February,2011. They are still together, happy. I find myself holding my own someone in my arms,for a mere month, before I realise it isn't real. that I am protecting myself, it ends, and again I am all alone. But then, so is she. Her feelings for Scott have died, and my hope rekindles in a sense. over the following year our friendship grows deeply. While we don't see each other out of school. We text and communicate in any way possible. All I can ask myself is... why can it not be? why can't we be the nuclears. A perfect match? far from it I fear. The closer we grow the more I grow.....into a fool, blinded. and......again I declare my feelings for her, ever so blatantly. An apology rolls off her tongue, yet again. and yet and yet again.

Out of nowhere. we find ourselves no talking. and then after many a month. school ends, and again we find Facebook and texting has become our primary source of contact.....and I do not have those feelings for her, I want to be her friend ( I think as much).

School begins, 2012. We are now both 15. getting older. We have two classes together, sose and English. We talk,laugh. We grow yet again closer, and I repress feelings that I fear may come up yet again(because they have ruined it before) and we become best friends. And then. It is my birthday party, I am turning 16. for me, a time of loud music, drinking and friends. She is coming, of course. and I dress up, as does she. I in a black suit, and her in a rather dapper red dress. Ever so elegant. Most definitely the best and only girl exciting me that night. I attempt to slow my drinking in order to share the time with her, she must leave early you see. and during this time, we move alone into the lounge room of my house, and sit together (in my mind, wanting to give her a quick peck, but how does she feel?) we share a moment....my head tipsily resting on her shoulder, and I feel time stop, could I spend the rest of my life like this? I wanted too. and as quick as it began, it ended. My ex girlfriend was there, and once kaitlen left........Mistakes were made. and i live now to regret them. I betrayed myself. my feelings for someone of an actual worth to me. She then learnt of this, hugged me, and told me it would be okay, would it be?

A girl, a friend of the both of us. Nikki, offers to come with me to a sexual health place. I wanted to be checked, and so did she. we then went ahead and arranged it. and on our walk to this place. my friends see's the way Kaitlen and I text. 2500 messages over the last month. She says we are cute together. and that we should get back together! i correct her and tell her, we were never together. but my heart sinks.....why did i have to say that, what if it were all different. I realise the shitty truth. It has always been there. suppressed and repressed by other thoughts, and emotions. FUCK! two days later, i am baking brownies and texting her. She loves brownies? how would she like some? she says yes. so i make my way to her home, a short journey. and give her some. Yet another chance to see her, i will not complain. She is happy, and enjoys them. I then return home, and go on Reddit, and minutes later find myself writing the very words i am now typing. I wish tomorrow would yet come sooner, so i can see her again, and say " hey kaitlen, check Reddit. " and see her face warp in recognition of what i typed the night before.

This next part is for her alone.

Dear Kaitlen. Life over the last three years has been the greatest and worst time of my life with you. The sad times.........they are sometimes about you, as you may recall. florence and the machines, "happy for what i have, and sad for what i do not" yeah....all about you. I know we are best friends, like a brother and sister. but im sorry, we can and always will be friends, the best of them i hope. but i will always have feelings for you, even if you never will, its an undying hope that i grasp onto tightly, time spent with you, is the only time worth spending. and i apologise for nothing in advance. this is my mind, and i thought this was an appropriate way to say everything i wanted too. and while saying this to you in person would have indeed been better. this is how i have chosent to do this. and yeah.

You are beautiful, my best friend, my world , my soul, and my breathe. I long for the day when you may say the same. but fear i may die before it comes, and Kaitlen, thankyou for taking the time to read this.

From steven. xo