Approach anxiety has been a big obstacle for me, but over the years I’ve learned some strategies that have helped me overcome it.

 

Fear is excitement

 

“Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.”- Elizabeth Gilbert

 

Research has found that anxiety can actually be mistaken for sexual attraction. In the famous bridge study(1), participants crossed a rickety bridge with a drop of over 200 feet. As participants crossed they became highly anxious. On the other end of the bridge, participants were given a survey by a female lab assistant, after the survey, she gave participants her phone number to call if they had any further questions.

 

Many of the participants called, and several even asked her out. This is in stark contrast to the control group who crossed a much safer bridge that didn’t create an anxious response, none of them followed up with the assistant.

 

The symptoms of anxiety are the same as the symptoms of sexual attraction, sweaty palms, increased heart-rate, heavy breathing; whether this is something to be concerned about or excited about depends on the meaning you give the symptoms.

 

Harvard researchers have found that simply saying, “I’m excited”, when feeling anxious can help to change anxiety into excitement and significantly increase people’s performance under pressure(2).

 

When you see a girl who you want to approach, don’t deny the anxiety, don’t fight it, tell yourself that it means you are excited, that you want to meet this girl. Consciously think this, and each time you do this you will start to change the meaning of approach anxiety. You can’t get rid of approach anxiety, but you can transform it into a positive experience.

 

Step-by-step

 

When you are experiencing approach anxiety, one of the most effective strategies to break out of it is to ask yourself a simple question, “What’s the smallest step I can take towards approaching right now?”

 

The answer is usually going to be: start moving. You don’t need a particular destination, just start walking around the venue, it’s a small step towards approaching, and each small step you take builds forward momentum towards approaching women.

 

Once you’ve started moving around the environment, you can approach extremely indirectly. As I’m walking through the bar I literally just smile and say hello to people walking by. It feels a bit awkward at first, but it’s another step towards approaching, it gets me in a bit more of a social mood and helps reduce my social anxiety.

 

To transition this into doing a real approach, simply do the same thing but to girls who are sitting down or standing in a group. You’re tricking your brain into doing a real approach. Because you’re introducing yourself to a group that’s not going anywhere, you will have to follow up with further conversation.

 

Momentum

 

Go out at least 15 minutes every day, each consecutive day you go out, your social anxiety will decrease, and over time approaching will feel totally natural, it won’t even require conscious effort. If you only go out on Friday and Saturday, your momentum resets during the remainder of the week. And each Friday, you’re back where you’re started.

 

The more days you go out per week the better. But going out each day is by far the best option, and no matter how much Netflix bingeing you need to do, you can make time to go out for 15 minutes per day.

 

External Leverage

 

If you want to create some additional leverage, use the website created by Harvard psychologists, Stickk.com With stickk.com you create a commitment contract for a goal of your choosing.

 

Afterwards, you put up stakes, namely, money. If you fail the goal, a charity (or anti-charity) of your choice will get the money that you put on the line. This creates a powerful incentive. I’ve used the site to accomplish some absurd goals (like losing 4% body fat in a month).

 

Create a commitment to do a certain amount of approaches per day, and you will put yourself in a situation where the pain of approaching will be less than the pain of losing your hard-earned money, and as a result, you will suck it up and do it.

 

Conclusion

 

Approach anxiety is a major sticking point for a lot of guys. Personally, I had so much anxiety that I was too afraid to ask an elderly woman in the mall for directions. But, approach anxiety is something you can learn to take control of, and once you do it can become a source of excitement instead of stress.

 

1: Bridge Study- http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/1975-03016-001 2: Anxiety reappraisal- http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2013/12/performance-anxiety.aspx