Recently I've been attempting to "feel" good by changing my perception and reframing things...I don't know if it's working but all the negative things in my reality still exist, I sort of choose not to look at them.

I don't know, I constantly feel like I am not good enough for anything..and especially for girls..I dont have my shit together, I don't have any money, my parents bitch at me all the time, I have a pretty bad grade record in college..I don't know what I'm doing in life and I always feel extremely ugly. ALL the fucking time. It's driving me insane. I wish I could get plastic surgery. I'm always second guessing myself and wondering what's "wrong" with me..why... I think it stems from low self esteem, bullying, and a father and family that constantly ridicule and belittle everything about me(even when I was 7)

What made me feel shitty is every girl I talk to seems to look like she has a bf. I was talking to a girl yesterday and she seemed interested(I think) and as I leave another guy comes and she gives him a neck hug and they might have kissed.(I was far away at this point and she didn't see me)

I just felt like the biggest dumbass not because of this one specific girl..but because this happened like 3-5 times with every girl recently.

It's causing me to feel bad like, "Why don't I have a gf? And why do all of them have bfs? And why don't they ever choose me over them? What's wrong with me? Why am I ugly and no girl seems to be interested?" I've never kissed a girl and this also makes things work.

I don't really have onities for any of them...I usually try to talk to several at a time to prevent this but it still feels shitty when they all end up having bfs.(No they don't really mention it(except one)..but I trend to see lots of people as I am walking back to my car)

Today I approached a girl and we did a little studying/talking together. I made her laugh a bunch of times and I felt really good..it was a bit like a mini casual thing as I got to know her..as I'm walking her out of the area where we were studying I tell her something along the line of we should do this more often, it was fun..and she agrees and I tell her yeah just hit me up..and she says oh okay we have the course together so i'll just talk to you in class. She sort of rebuffed my subtle asking for her number. I really felt like I wasn't good enough or ugly or something at that moment. I don't know why, but that felt really shitty and extremely inadequate...part of it was because it really was genuine..I wanted a study partner and wasn't planning to hit on her or anything....since she also has a bf that I saw in passing.

I keep feeling like there' something seriously wrong with me. Objectively, I know I'm not the best looking..and I'm pretty lanky. I think this is it. I guess I should sort of accept it. I am not looking enough and nature has selected against me....I'm just going to live on as a lonley kissless old guy.