At the start of a social event, I am anxious, the ideas in my head are "maybe it would be nice if I could make out with that chick" "These people are too good for me, i'm a nobody"

Then I start to gain unimaginable confidence, I become the alpha male, and the twist is that all these people become boring and redundant, that chick that looked nice to nail? she too is boring and I don't even care anymore "I have better things to do, what the hell was I doing"

Why the hell did I care about a sort of social validation or the social event itself when it eventually becomes clear of how simple and insignificant it is. At that point the chick I wanted to nail is laughing at all my jokes, now I am no longer stuttering and feeling awkward but I am bored and she is talking her head off to me while I am losing interest, not even a sign of my libido in sight. Start to feel a weird feeling like "party people are pretty pathetic and insignificant" yet when I first enter the situation "Where do I go? What do I do? I feel awkward, I want people.. well I DON"T KNOW WHAT I WANT"

I also have developed an existential attitude to what I do which gives me great confidence it goes something like this, "I decide to stand up and get water because I want fucking water" "I am the boss, I am important and if people are judging me, fuck em because In the end i'm the only one that matters in MY life. It's a bit like a nietzschean attitude. Like "If I want to do something i'll do it, fuck my insecurity, fuck what people think, fuck if it's immoral, fuck if it doesn't feel right, fuck if I feel uncomfortable, I AM THE FUCKING BOSS I DO IT.

Also another thing, in a party situation I feel like people are on my level but if I get one on one and talk to someone get to know them, I immediately get bored, I don't think of them as special but I think of them as boring and nothing special.

To sum it up, when first entering a social situation or if I haven't been social for a long time = I am inferior I need to climb my way up if people will let me. After being social for a few hours I get this energy and potential where I can do anything, I can study and study very well, or do an assignment very well, nothing will stop me and rather than inferior I feel superior, rather than "people will let me" it's "No one can stop me"

WHEN READING ALL THIS PLEASE NOTE THE CONTEXT AND THE IDEA I AM TRYING TO BRING ACROSS, DO NOT CHERRY PICK A STATEMENT BECAUSE OUT OF CONTEXT THE SENTENCES LOOK LIKE THEY HAVE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MEANING, JUST SO YOU KNOW THERE IS NO DOUCHEYENSS OR MISANTHROPY BUT RATHER THE MEANING BEHIND SOCIAL SITUATIONS, WHAT PEOPLE DESIRE, DELUSION, INFERIORITY LEADING TO NIHILISM VS SEEING THAT IT"S ILLUSORY AND SEEING A CLEARER PERSPECTIVE ON A SITUATION. I WANT EVERYONE AROUND ME TO BE HAPPY AS I KNOW HOW MANY TEND TO BE NIHILISTIC AND INSECURE BUT I LOVE HUMANITY AND MOST IMPOTRANTLY I WANT MYSELF TO BE HAPPY, I WANT TO BE ABLE TO OVERCOME OBSTACLES, I WANT TO GROW AND GO BEYOND AND BE HAPPY MYSELF SO WHEN THE TIME COMES I"LL BE CONFIDENT IN MY ACTIONS IN LIFE KNOWING THAT I FUCKING REALLY LIVED rather than merely existed.